dreams..and dreams...

S is back. And now, i am back to the fighting, bitching, gossiping mode at work. Beats coding in silence with the iPod for company.

S is fast climbing up the corporate ladder – he is good at managing people, i grant him that but like i tell him, he is too political for my liking. There is a new project coming up and he wants me to jump ship and come over and manage it. Maybe it is time for me to leave my comfort zone. But then, i have very little patience and i am not at all good at being political. i am not ambitious at all – too laid back for my own good. i am more interested in hoarding books, picking up fights with him, nagging the juniors rather than climbing any kind of ladder. And i am too blunt – i would end up treading on many toes with my if-i-feel-it-i-have-to-say-it attitude.

Truth be told, this is not what i want to do in life – i know i am good at it and all that but still, this is not my calling. i am here for the money and yes, the challenge. Not that i dislike this job – i would not have stuck to it for years if i was not mentally satisfied. In fact, i love this project, am possessive of the application, the business. This job has given me financial independence, has seen to it that I fulfilled my dreams of hiking in the Grand Canyon..i would be heartbroken when i leave it.

But then, there is the call of the wild. There is this gypsy inside that refuses to be domesticated. i have to cross the Sahara, surf the sand dunes, watch the aurora borealis, go visit the Grand Canyon again and hike from the south to the north rim, i have to go sky diving again, i have to visit Africa……..i have to open my candle shop…So many dreams…So much to live for. So little to die for.

burned hands and pockets

Yesterday was the company’s annual day. S and my item dance never materialized! i decided to skip it and went home to meet my sister. S nagged me to go with him as he would get bored without me but i refused. i have better things to do than watch them dance and listen to long bhasans.

And i burned my right hand while cooking yesterday. i was trying out stuffed capsicums – they turned out really good; I would have been disappointed if they turned out bad after sacrificing my hand and all that. Next time, i am going to just bake it in the microwave instead of frying the capsicums and save my beautiful skin from being scorched.

My colleagues wanted to know what ever happened to my hand – i told them that he burned me!

And the kitchen design is turning out to be quite a pain in the ass. We are going in for the half open kitchen style for the new place. Now, we are undecided about which side should be the main cooking area – well, he is undecided. i have pretty much made up my mind. He was miffed because I didn’t like his idea – hell, I am not going to nod my head in agreement just because I am in love. Sometimes, he can be quite a pain. In the end, I shall triumph as always.

We have decided to go the whole hog and make the kitchen as modern as we can afford. We went to a modular kitchen designer and he gave us an estimate- a whooping 1.5 lakhs! Add to that the chimney, cooking range and the budget would be like 2 lakhs for the kitchen alone. That is a lot of money. We will have to do some research and maybe go in for Godrej or some other reputed brand.

And we have the bathroom to think about – we altered the bathroom to make it big enough to fit a bathtub Maybe we will be paupers by the time we move in.

I have always wanted a big kitchen and bathroom. I love the big spacious kitchen back home. I want a garden too but that would have to wait. Maybe I will cultivate one in my head!

...life and i

i and life have been treating each other decently these days. Life - i cannot help wondering what it is about. What is the driving force behind the things we do? The life we live, the decisions we make, the heartbreaks we go through - when i think about it, it does not make sense. The nagging worries, the fights, the ego hassles - do they really matter? What is that i am searching for - this restlessness in me, what do i seek for?

i keep thinking about this - these days, i keep talking to myself (thankfully, not loud but in my head. When i start talking to myself aloud, maybe they will institutionalise me). About death, about life, about the futility of the things that irritate me or depress me. In the end, nothing would matter. Inspite of knowing this, i still get caught in this web of worldliness. i know i can give him up and start a life afresh and the wounds would heal - but still, i stick by because i know he needs me now. i know i can give up this job and be as happy or happier wandering, discovering this world. But i am still here- coding, killing bugs, nagging the juniors.

Why do we live life as if we have forever? Why do we take things for granted? Why do we never say 'i love you' to the people who mean the world to us but wait for them to die to shed tears and whisper i love you when they can no longer hear us? Why do we let mundane worries mar our happiness? Why do we care so much for the future that might not be and forget to enjoy the moment that is now? Why, inspite of knowing all this, cannot i tear myself away from it all? The world beckons - and i, i shut my eyes and shed a tear.

Am i the only one who feels this way? Am i going insane? Why do i think so much? Why?

taxing time

It is the time of the year when i am forced to reflect on my investments – or lack of it. Today was the last day of submitting the tax rebate declaration. As always, i waited for the final day to submit the declaration. With the home loan, i don’t really have to worry about whether i have completed my quota of investments to get the maximum rebate.

The other day someone from one of the banks where i have invested some years back (and had totally forgotten about!) contacted me and asked me to switch plans as my investment was not making that much profit. Anyway, i let him convince me to switch plans –and i am supposedly going to get well provided for when i retire, that is, if my life does not get extinguished before that (extinguished? It makes me sound like an inferno or something!!). The guy kept harping on why i should think of investing now to keep up my existing life style even when i retire or maybe get axed. If i really think about it, i am a low maintenance creature. i have very few needs – give me my books and i am happy enough. i eat like a sparrow, don’t care too much about clothes and accessories – so there is not much scope of spending money on myself. i have this indifferent attitude towards money – i hardly keep track of how I spend it, how/where i invest it. Ema keeps telling me i don’t respect money because i get too much. Is that true? i know the power of money and all that, i know that money is the one issue that couples fight about the most. It has never struck me to hoard my money – i love using it to give my loved ones the things they desire. i would rather see my money being used than it sitting in the bank. My parents and everyone else complain that i am too lavish when it comes to gifts – like S says, i buy things for everyone else except myself which makes him think i am some sort of a goddess – the truth is there are very few material things in this world that can excite my senses apart from books.

Talking of books, S is going to send some books for me through the other S who must be boarding his flight as i type this. S would be joining office on Monday – it has been a month of peace in the office without him as i don’t have anyone to fight with and bitch and trade gossips.

Did make the deadline at work. However, the code needs polishing. Still have about a month to do all the re-work i want when it is in QA’s queue.

..if only we talked...

"barriers break when people talk." So very true. For a change, i decided to stop being my bitchy self and open up to him like before. And what a change it has brought about in him. And us. It is like we both were waiting for the ice to thaw between us. Silence is like the winter cold - it freezes the relationship. Even love needs the warmth of a touch, a word to thrive.

It is his parents' anniversary today. So we went shopping for a present for them. We took the chance to sneak off for a quiet lunch together. Love is rearing its head again in my life. Wonder how long this peace will last. Wonder how long it will be before another tiff. Wonder whether i will still stay put the next time we have a fight. Why this cynicism?

Love. i swore i was over this. But this heart, this stupid heart of mine says - just one more try, just one more night in his arms.