...

there are times in life when i wish i had in me to believe in something divine so i could hope for a miracle. But the concept of God was invented for less cynical people who have in their hearts the innocence and ignorance to trust that life is governed by the whims and will of some divine creature.

i only have in me the belief in the strength of the mind...but would it last?

Backward progress

While the world moves on, the place I call home progresses backward at a pace that would shame thevproverbial hare. Everytime I call up home I am left depressed at the way things are. Ema said gas cylinders sell at about 2k - what the fuck? And people now cook using firewood or charcoal. Wow, that is progress for us. Soon enough we will go back to the stone ages and maybe start eating everything raw. There is absolutely no hope or desire left in me to go back to the place where my roots are.

Once upon a time, I did think of a future where Imphal featured - of going back home to where I supposedly belong. But now, disgust is all I feel. Because I am so fucking helpless to help my loved ones - my parents would never agree to leaving Imphal for good and money is not going to buy safety or a peaceful existence there.

Once upon a time, there was a place I called home. But now, it is just a name that gives me heartache because I know nothing is going to change. We would slide into the abyss,dragging everything along. Whether we will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix - only time will tell. But we need to burn ourselves before that- get rid of the scums that have inherited Manipur. While other scums like me shed tears and watch from across the ocean.

I feel rootless now - free to pick and choose where I supplant them. But traces of the soil in which I took my first step would always cling to, will always taunt me for deserting it, will always tug at my heartstrings.

not yet dead

don't write me off because i am still alive - why, don't ask me.

Life has been busy - one day merging into next and the next. And nothing to show for it.

Work - yes, the new place - not new anymore now that i have spent two months there. i was not prepared for the coldness welcoming me - apparently we replaced two people in the team all because of management policy and that did not go down too well with the team. i could understand their antagonism. But, i am glad that in the two months, i have been able to break down barriers and even feel welcome. Not that i want to be miss-popular or anything but it is nice to be appreciated for your good work. So there, i crossed another hurdle. Hurray for the smart one!!

And i found out how much i hate accounting. Now that i have my own company i am supposed to maintain an account of my expenses and all that bull shit. i absolutely hate it. i think there is nothing worse than trying to keep track of where your money goes - i just cannot do it. My sister is so good at it. But i do not even know how and where it goes and i am not too bothered unless of course i go bankrupt - which i just might.

Oh wait, did i say that on my birthday i got the one thing i have been lusting for - now, no dirty thoughts - i got an iMac pro. Yes, the mac i keep mooning about - the only material thing after books i long for. He got his brother-in-law to get it from US and ship it. Wasn't that sweet of him? But, as with all things, now that i have it, i don't use it. i guess i just wanted to have it just for the sake of having it. But i do love the look of it. Yes, i should use it more often. And i should blog too.

Life sucks

I am depressed, suppressed, oppressed and whatever-pressed. Funny how life sucks the little
goodness out of you. Or rather I suck the goodness out of life. Either way, it sucks.
Would be joining next tuesday. Not too excited - even though officially I am now the CEO of an one man company- how pathetic is that? But I need the dough- don't we all?

Moved to new place - found it not cleaned professionally as promised. Chased the agent like
a bitch in heat for a week. Washing machine not working so washing clothes with my own hands after nearly a decade - how spoiled and snobbish I am becoming.

Need to buy new shoes because I have been wearing the same pair for about an year now- yes, laugh at me, I am fashioned challenged so shoot me- and it has decided to desert me like everything else in life. I have two new pair of shoes lying unloved in the box but I don't want to wear them.

The apartment overlooks a river and I see ducks swimming - and can imagine them swimming in
gravy in my wok.

I am a horrible human being. I am so manipulative and needy at times. I cling when I should
not, I let go when I should hold tight. I trade tears for smiles and wallow in self pity.
I am also clinically depressed I think . And I desperately want to drown in a pool of LSD.

Please commit me to an asylum if you meet me.

Why did I post this crap?

this, that and everything in between

So i come out from hiding again. The weather has changed - no more dark clouds or white stuff taunting my eyes, reflecting my dark thoughts or blank mind. It is actually sunny outside.

We would be moving house again, to another town. After almost one year at this place. Will i miss it? Will this apartment miss me? i guess apartments on rent are like those ladies of the night - maybe they just move on, without getting their emotions entangled.

We went to view a place - the floor plan on the site made it look like it was as spacious as the one we are in right now. We stepped in and what the (*&^*, it is so tiny - it was one of those 'modern' apartments with open plan kitchen but with the lounge being so small, i could have cooked sitting on the sofa. Since we are really idiots, we had decided we would like the place, looking at the pictures on the net and didn't even fix any other viewings. He thought we could live with for 6 months and move on to a bigger one - the place is some 50 miles away and since we are pressed for time, it was just not possible to go view other apartments. So, i reluctantly said yes and could not digest my dinner that night. i told him maybe we should find some other place - he was annoyed - but in the end, he took time off from office and we have found another place - i still haven't seen it - it overlooks a river. For that alone, it would be worth it, i guess.

It is surprising how much stuff you can accumulate in one year - i have two boxes of books. Maybe he was hoping i would dump them but since we are using a moving van, well, he has no scoring point.

And guess what? i gave up my previous job - yes, the one i got last year - and without another job to fall back on. But then, i really had no choice. In a way, i was glad to let go of it. It was not a bad job - i learned new things - but it was too much like a job job. For the first time in my working life, i felt i was actually 'working'. Everybody was so professional - no leg pulling, no cursing colleagues - i felt like a monkey in a suit. That is what working 8 years in my previous company has done to me - i expect work to be fun, actually look forward to going to work..

The thought of applying for jobs made me cringe - i pretty much made up my mind to work at the tills in the local supermarket - if he was disappointed in my lack of ambition, he did not show it. And then, out of the blue, my previous company steps in like a knight in shining maruti and offered me a job. When i told my friend SN about it, she said i am so lucky.

This is actually what makes me so complacent - as if life was going to sort itself out without my intervention. i always go through life thinking things would always go my way, that if i make a wrong turn, the path will right itself. Someday, i am going to pay for it dearly.

And that is the reason we are moving because the job is in another town. i hope to be able to buy a Mac before the year runs out. Or maybe a cookbook with lots of pictures.

BTW, i have inherited the iPhone from him because he got himself one of the new one - 3gs or whatever they call it. i am half ashamed to be seen with a iPhone - i was happier with my cellotaped-almost-falling-apart Nokia 1100, the one i could only use for making/receiving calls and the rare SMS. This one, with its myriad functions, makes me feel sad. It is like giving a dog a diamond necklace when it rather would have an old rubber ball.