family feud and other such asinine things

OK, so i called up home and refused to have a proper conversation with my ema and baba. Before you judge me unkindly (not that i would mind very much), here is the story.

One of my relatives got married last week. He is someone who has always treated me like a sister when i was growing up - he used to get me books from library and buy me indrajal comics. Unfortunately, due to some misunderstanding, his mother and siblings had a falling out with my uncle. They are next door neighbours on top of being our relatives. i don't know how the social system works, but my parents also ended up not being invited to the wedding even though they had no part in the misunderstanding.

Now, that is one of the biggest social snubs as far as my parents are concerned! It is a funny thing how people take offence at being left out - i am all too happy whenever i am not featured on any invitation list. i heard about it from my younger sister with whom i spend hours on long distance calls gossiping about every possible events and non-events. i being the insensitive bitch as always, i called up my parents and said "i heard you people were not invited to the wedding" and started laughing as if that was the greatest joke i have ever heard. i think my father was hurt and he asked me whether that made me happy. i was like how does it matter at all whether you got invited or not. That is not the story though.

i asked my mother to go and give Da (brother, just like in bengali!) some money on my behalf as a wedding gift. My mother went 'OK'. Now, i called up after a few days and asked her whether she has done that. No. So i told her if she did not want to go there herself, she should ask my elder sister (who got invited, i think because she is married and maybe, they consider her no longer of our family..how silly!!). She said OK. Now i called up after a few days and asked the same question. No. Now, i am not a patient person but still, i held my peace. She said she would wait for my younger sister to come and let her do the needful. Thus pacified, i went on with my life.

i called up today and talked to my sister and asked her whether she went to Da's place. No. i really lost it then. i know how they feel snubbed and all that but i have been telling them not to drag me into their fights. i do want to be part of any feud weud. Da has always been so nice to me - like a big brother i never had. And i could not understand why their pride has to stand in the way of my wish. Judging that i was losing my infamous temper yet again, ema said she will make my elder sister go there tomorrow morning. i told her i don't like them and don't want to talk to them anymore. i know i am so cruel. But i just hate all these petty things. All i ask is not to be dragged into it. Is that too much to ask for? i have only one life to live and i don't want it to be cluttered with any more negative thoughts than is necessary. As it is, my head is already messed up with stupid existential questions and dreams.

My sister says i am an escapist because, as much as i love gossip, i hate hearing the stories of family feuds - this aunt saying that, doing this. It really gets me depressed because i cannot figure how why people has to be so petty to fight over land or money. i just cannot figure out how siblings can be cruel to each other, say hurtful things. i can never figure out the ways of this world. Hell, i cannot even figure out myself.

i am sad. And angry.

blah blah

My sister has gone home. She must be feasting on all those delicacies. Playing with my little cousins and niece. My heart is filled with envy.

i have three books with me right now - 'lady in white', 'red' and 'a house for mr biswas' - half digested and discarded midway. Now i cannot decide which one to pick up again. Or whether to pick up any at all.

And i want to eat dosa. The nearest south indian restaurant is about half an hour by bus. Since there is no parking space we cannot go by car. i had to trawl the net searching for any place that would sell me dosa, then beg him to take me there. He is not a dosa fan but because of my silent nagging (yes, there is such a thing as silent nagging. i think some people call it sulking), we did go there about three months back. He got dosa mix and made dosa for me the other week. He was over the moon because he thought the dosa was delicious. i agreed with him - it was the love behind the effort rather than the taste that i appreciated!

And i want to do lsd. Just once. i want to feel what it is like to 'see' sound and 'hear' vision. Ironically enough, i have had this desire after i read the chapter on the harmful effects of drug in high school!! i would also like to be a waitress.

And i know my life will end without me getting on a 'trip' on lsd or taking orders from diners. shesh.

another one of those meaningless posts

The weather is becoming brittle - every now and then the clouds break into droplets, the sun hides, the trees moan and sigh in the wind. And my mind goes blank every now and then, devoid of thoughts and dreams. i float in and out of reality, one foot in dreamland, another hovering over reality.

After another one of my unexplained break-ups with books, i got back again with the written words. And as always, i find myself living the stories. i am in the middle of two or three books - with age i am becoming more fickle. Years ago, i would not have been able to even think of starting a book before finishing one. Now, i flit from one to the next, leaving unfinished stories hanging on a line. Sometimes, i go back to finish the story. Sometimes, i just bury them. Pretty much like most of my fragmented dreams.

These days i find i am searching for nothing. i am empty. Drained.

It could pretty well be the weather. Either that or i am mellowing, rather fading. i think i want more books. i think i want to get high on grass and talk to the stars. i think i want to sleep and have another one of my recurring dreams. i think i am so losing it.

Ema always used to worry about me and my ceaseless thinking - she used to say i will go mad one day. i think i am already mad.

the art of saying 'no'

'No' is one of my favourite words. Anyone associated with me can vouch for that. 'Can you do this for me?' - 'no'. 'Lets go there' - 'no'. 'Eat this' - 'no'. No. No. No.

i think it has something to do with i being pig-headed and conceited and yes, inconsiderate too. i don't think twice before saying 'no' to things i would rather not do. i am someone driven almost entirely by her own needs and wishes. So i cannot be bothered to think if i am hurting sentiments or breaking customs by saying 'no'. i hate being nice - there are too many nice people in this world.

i think 'no' is a powerful word and so under-utilised. Ironically, almost all of the people close to me are the type who cannot say 'no' because they are such nice people who would rather do something they don't want than hurt the other person. (It could also be that i was drawn to them in the first place because they cannot say 'no'!!!). M, one of my close friends can never say 'no' no matter how much inconvenience she has to face. So she ends up being exploited by people and having to house- and baby-sit while other people enjoy a vacation. She complains about how tired she is but she would never say 'no'. Such are the soft hearted people i associate with.

Since i am lucky enough to have been blessed with a heart that does not melt easily, saying 'no' comes easy to me. S used to say it is because i am so sure about what i want and don't want.

And once i say 'no', come hell i would not change my mind. Or so says K to anyone who tries to change my mind after i have uttered the word always at the tip of my tongue -no! He is wrong though. There are some people in my life like my mother and him who knows just which string of my otherwise insensitive heart to pull. i call it emotional blackmail. They call it 'love'. Or friends like SM and SC who can also be stubbornly patient to wear me down to the point to make me revert my 'no' to a reluctant 'yes' (like SC who can say 'chalo cha khai' almost a thousand times when i say 'no'). Would this prove i am partly human after all?

And of course, i cannot stand it when i get a 'no' for an answer!!! Such is the beauty of my nature!

anti social networking sites

The other day, a junior from work (read ex-work) asked me to join orkut. Now, i am allergic to all social networking sites. i told him i have an insane desire not be found by anyone or to find anyone in the virtual world.

i have been told i can find long-lost friends, have friends find me. Which is scary if you ask me. i mean, for someone so anti-social like me, that is like hell! i have always maintained that if i want to be in touch with someone it would not be through one-liners or what they call scraps (is that the right term ?). And i just don't want to be 're-discovered' by people i don't want to be in contact with. Which makes you wonder whether i have many skeletons hiding in the cupboard!!

Almost everyone (net-savvy i mean) i know has a parallel existence in the world of orkut or facebook or whatever other sites you have. In my ex-project, all the kids (and the adults too!) always had their orkut accounts open - of course, surreptitiously (but i am eagle eyed) and SC and i always cribbed about project productivity being reduced by people 'scraping' rather than working. SC is the only person in my orbit who does not exist in orkut.

i can never understand why people are so addicted to it. But then, i am an antiquated hag.