of friends and foes

Today, in one of my endless musings passing through my crowded mess of a mind, i was thinking of the people termed as friends.

As a kid, we were not encouraged to mix with the leikai (locality) kids for fear that we would pick up bad words and other bad habits - now you know why i turned out to be such a snob! - and so i had no leikai friend except for a girl (approved by parents as coming from 'good family'!!). They moved elsewhere and so i grew up only with school friends i.e. friends from school (oh yes, we get it ma'am, you really don't need to explain that..god..)

It is a personality flaw i suppose but i am no longer in touch with a single one of them - we, who cried as if the world was coming to an end at the farewell party, scribbled how we would never forget each other on the white school shirt. i still have the shirt but not the friends! It is not as if i cannot trace them - i know all it would take is for me to spend a minute trawling one of those social sites ( which i am allergic to but that is fodder for another post). i even had a couple of them tracing me, seeking me out but i - oh the bitch i am - did not take the stretched hands. Sometimes, i wonder why. Is it that i have outgrown those childish giggly moments? Or is it just that i am a different person now and i want to preserve memories as they are - like the shirt with promises all broken - and don't want to find out that i cannot gel with them anymore? i have steadfastly refused to answer mails from old friends - i guess i am becoming more anti-social as my hair ripens into grey.

What is it that makes me so indifferent to the past? i hate dwelling in it - i like the past to be in the background. But to ignore old friends, does not that smack of something lacking in me - like loyalty?

Which makes me wonder - would the few (very, very, very few) people i call friends now also go this way? i am so good at being alone - i love being alone, sometimes i think i would be perfectly fine if you put me in a room filled with books and an internet connection (so i could regale the world with tales of 'alone-ness') and yes, food.

But i guess with the few friends i have now, i am in more 'stable' relationships.i still have the desire to know if they are alive, to worry about them at times, to abuse them with the choicest of galis, to want them to be in touch with me.. i hope i would continue to pester them with my presence till my sanity deserts me. And i hope they would nag me into not dropping out of the orbit if i should go hibernating, as i am wont to do at times.

What is with the 'foes' part in the title? i have no foe for the simple reason that if i don't like someone, they cease to exist for me.

show me the darkness

i wander from one day to the next.
i sleep-walk through the nights.
i search for the meaning of my existence -
in the mirror,
in the books,
in your eyes,
your smiles,
your frowns,
your touch,
in my fragmented dreams.
i dig for nuggets of happiness
in the dark recess of my mind.
i sow the seeds of depression
and harvest buckets of tear.
i cling on the feet of dreams
that threaten to desert me
i ration my smiles
lest i have none for tomorrow
i seek for darkness
to torment my soul
that lusts for light

rang de chunariya

Though i do not possess a single religious cell in my body, i do like listening to Anup Jalota's bhajans courtesy my friend K. How we used to hum the bhajans in the office - the good old days when we were in the same project. We particularly loved humming 'rang de chunariya' and 'aisi lagi lagan'.

Rang de chunariya
Shyam piya more rang de chunariya

Aise rang de
ke rang nahi choote
Doobiya doye chahe
sari umariya
Shyam piya more
rang de chunariya

lal na rangawung me
hari na ranga wung
apne hi rang me
rang de chunariya

bina rangaye
me toh ghar nahi jawungi
beet hi jaye chahe
sari umariya

jal se patla kaun he
kaun bhoomi se bhari
kaun agan se tej he
kaun kajal se kali

jal se patla gyan he
paap bhoomi se bhari
krodh agan se tej he
aur kalang kajal se kali

the 'lost' generation

First it was the bandh. Then the curfew. Now it is the class boycott. You begin to worry about the kids caught in the mess that is Manipur.

The other day i called up home and ema told me my little cousin was getting 'crazy' staying at home as schools were closed due to the ongoing class boycott. It seems they have even banned private tuitions. Now what is left is for them to ban kids from opening their books and studying. They might as well do that. What do they stand to gain by disrupting education?

When will this madness end? You fear to think of what will happen to the new generation that has been deprived of a normal childhood. i am reminded of the question my little niece asked me when she came to visit us. Seeing that there was no load shedding, she asked 'How come you have light every day?' Such an innocent question but it broke my heart to think that even a basic necessity of a modern world is denied to them. She used to think it was diwali everyday seeing the shops so brightly illuminated. How sad is that?

As much as a traitor i feel, i have no desire to go back. Which does not mean i do not miss it. Maybe i love and miss it so much that i do not want to go back and have the memories of the place i grew up sullied by all that is happening.

of puja and bhog and other things

Durga puja is around the corner. So i asked him whether they have any puja celebration out here, what with the large indian community living here. He said we would have to find out. i told him that the bhog they serve during puja is delicious. He was like 'and i thought you wanted to go to pray and all you are interested is the food'. Maybe he thought i had mended my 'wayward' ways and was becoming religious! Not in this lifetime.

We watched 'Year One' - Jack Black is such a funny guy. Gross and funny. It was good in bits and pieces.

Had some guests over for lunch. i am not fond of entertaining unless it is people close to me. But domestic life rules that you should shed your 'unsocial' attitude and try to be as genial as possible sometimes. Being a vain person, i made sure the food was cooked by me - because i am always wary of others' cooking skills! - and that i put in my best efforts. Even though i may pretend i don't care, but compliments about my cooking always please me no end! Which i got in plenty. Oh, i am so good a cook.

And what is it with people who proclaims their inability to cook or perform a domestic chore as if it was something to be proud of? i mean, what is to be so proud of not having ever stitched/mended something ever in your life? Is it to hint that you are so rich and pampered that you never had to lift a finger? As if i would care.