Attended my first “Management Team” meeting yesterday. And realized how much more shit i have to deal with. Having to sit through 1 ½ hr long presentation, trying to make sense of it all – the business forecast, the ramp-up, the projects in pipeline. What did i get myself into? i am happier coding, (mis)guiding kids, playing the bully than listening to all theory-no practice preaching.
Which makes me think i am not ambitious at all. i am too laid back. Or maybe my priorities are different. If i ask myself what really i want in life, i know it is not climbing up the corporate ladder. i love my work but i am not too concerned about where i am in the pecking order. i guess i must be the only one in the whole company who has never asked for a salary raise or a promotion!
The big question – what do i want in life? i know for sure what i don’t want but i am finding it difficult to specify what i really want. i want to be happy – but happiness is such a tricky state of mind. i can be happy with just a book. Am i happy now? Yes. Will i be happy tomorrow? Depends. Materialistically speaking, if i ask myself what i want, i cannot think of anything. i cannot understand why i am so uninterested in clothes, jewellery or anything of that sort. i am no sanyasi - i just cannot understand this streak in me. i just am not interested.
But i want to travel and travel, i want to sky-dive again. i want to learn new recipes. i want to start making my candles again. i want to learn pottery and glass-painting. i want to learn kung-fu. And most of all, i want to sleep.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Of pampered love
Yahoo! He just called me up to say his father has got his US Visa approved. He went for the interview today. We have been coaching him the whole weekend. At first, he was over-confident that he would just go, present himself and they would happily hand over the Visa.
On my visits to the Consulate for stamping, i have witnessed parents being grilled. So we told him not to take it too lightly – we downloaded sample questions, took printout and made him read those. In the end, we managed to make him tense – to the extent that he even dreamed about the Visa interview!
i am so relieved now.
On a sillier note, he asked me to get up early today as they would leave around 8. Getting me to rise early is like asking a dog to fly – it is unnatural! In Imphal, people get up as early as 4 – OK, the sun rises earlier there but still, people are not sunflowers that they have to rise with the sun! His father gets up as early as 5 – which is like midnight for me. Because he is here, i wake up around 8 because i have to cook before going to office – when you actually think about it, i am sort of attaining the super-woman status - i cook, go to office, code, nag, bully and make sure the deliverables are delivered, go home and cook again! The day i get tired of it, i will complain. But till now, i am able to cope without feeling exerted.
God, how i digress. Anyway, i got sore with him because he said he would set the alarm for 6:50. i told him i would get up by 7:30 and get the breakfast ready and see them off by 8. He thought i was being uncaring and said i don’t have to get up and do anything. Bliss! I said fine and went off to sleep. He got up around 6:30 and i got up at 7:15 – prepared breakfast and they were done by 8. i had a good mind to pour the tea down his boxer! i think i am over-pampering him. The maximum of Indian men are pampered. And we women-folk are guilty of that. i do it out of love. Which is one of the stupidest excuses i have heard/made.
On my visits to the Consulate for stamping, i have witnessed parents being grilled. So we told him not to take it too lightly – we downloaded sample questions, took printout and made him read those. In the end, we managed to make him tense – to the extent that he even dreamed about the Visa interview!
i am so relieved now.
On a sillier note, he asked me to get up early today as they would leave around 8. Getting me to rise early is like asking a dog to fly – it is unnatural! In Imphal, people get up as early as 4 – OK, the sun rises earlier there but still, people are not sunflowers that they have to rise with the sun! His father gets up as early as 5 – which is like midnight for me. Because he is here, i wake up around 8 because i have to cook before going to office – when you actually think about it, i am sort of attaining the super-woman status - i cook, go to office, code, nag, bully and make sure the deliverables are delivered, go home and cook again! The day i get tired of it, i will complain. But till now, i am able to cope without feeling exerted.
God, how i digress. Anyway, i got sore with him because he said he would set the alarm for 6:50. i told him i would get up by 7:30 and get the breakfast ready and see them off by 8. He thought i was being uncaring and said i don’t have to get up and do anything. Bliss! I said fine and went off to sleep. He got up around 6:30 and i got up at 7:15 – prepared breakfast and they were done by 8. i had a good mind to pour the tea down his boxer! i think i am over-pampering him. The maximum of Indian men are pampered. And we women-folk are guilty of that. i do it out of love. Which is one of the stupidest excuses i have heard/made.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
speak and be damned!
His father is visiting us. And i guess that is making my mother worry. Yesterday, she told me " Don't make faces when he says anything you don't like. Behave nicely, treat him well. Don't behave the way you do at home.". i was like " stop it, stop it. Why are you telling me all this? ". And she told me she knows me too well - that i would sulk if anyone said anything. Oh ema. i told her i will go and start throwing the pots and pans.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
Friday, October 17, 2008
kid-talk
One step up the corporate ladder. More power. More responsibility. And more shit to deal with.
i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end.
What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.
Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.
i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.
i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.
i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end.
What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.
Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.
i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.
i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.
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