monday hates me

i don’t know whether it is the Monday sickness or whatever that is plaguing my soul. i feel sad. Unhappy. Disgruntled with life. i don’t want to code. Or even nag the kids – i am that depressed! i didn’t even go for the morning adda-cum-tea break.

Every passing day seems to highlight the fact that life is passing me by. Or i am passing life by. Whatever. It is like i feel i don’t want anything more. i just want to sleep it off. Sleep, dream and sleep some more. i sound like a seriously depressed person who needs to be on Prozac. Maybe i am one. Or maybe my hormones are acting up again.

Here i am, whining again. If i were not so much in love with myself, i would hate this trait of mine. i am seemingly so good at spouting pearls of wisdom when it comes to other people’s lives. When it comes to my own, in spite of my oh-i-am-so-clever attitude, i falter and stumble and stub whatever can be stubbed.

Maybe this is what they call disenchantment with the mayavi duniya. Maybe i am finally ready to renounce this world. All i want now is just to be alone. With a book for company. And i don’t even want the wireless connection. Oh, i am getting so close.

Of course, tomorrow might see me in a different mood. Maybe i would be ready to conquer the world. Or maybe i would have sunk deeper into depression and ready to renounce even my books. i am so f***** fickle that it makes me love myself even more!

samay o dhire chalo

It is already September. And to think it only seems like yesterday that i ushered in January.

Another year about to end. And nothing much to show for it. So many decisions made, unmade. Dreams dreamed. Dreams unraveled. i still don’t have a driving license. i still have not cultivated enough patience not to frown and fume when a junior makes the same mistake twice. i still don’t have the grace to give up a fight without having the last word/punch.

To make up for all of the things i should have done and have not got around to doing, i am going to participate in the antakshri contest next week. The first time I am gathering up courage to actually open my mouth to sing and make a fool of myself! i have a good head for lyrics. The only thing is my voice is not the kind made for singing. But what the hell, there is a first time for everything. i have managed to rope in a junior to be my partner. Now it is time to bring out the iPod i have neglected for so long and start my preparation. If we win, this would make this my fourth win in a row in office club events. Kind of a grand slam!! The things i console myself with!! It is pathetic.

don't you cry tonight

Does crying heal? i think it just gives you a headache and swollen eyelids! Is crying good for the soul? Maybe. Sometimes, the tears wash away a bit of your pain. Sometimes, they add to it by reminding you of things that made you start crying in the first place.

These tears-
These droplets of water i shed
From eyes swollen like pregnant clouds
-Can they convey my pain to you?
Or would they just dry up
without telling their story?

.........

P-da gave a treat. We went to this oft-visited restuarant where we always end up having the same thing -kabab and briyani! It was just the three of us - me, SC and P-da. We ordered too much and we had a hard time trying not to waste anything. i gave the excuse that, given my petite size, i should not be forced to eat anything more than usual. So the onus of being the dust bin was taken by SC. The greedy pig that he is, he even ordered an icecream! i made sure that he did not waste anything.

i am feeling really stuffed. And after a series of false starts, my code did work! Hurrah. Well, actually, 1/4 of the code. i still have three programs to complete. Hee hee..i am getting hysterical!

midweek crisis

Got my H1 stamped. Went for the interview on monday. Had to wait for more than an hour before i was asked 3-4 questions and told that my visa was approved. All over in less than a minute. Hah.

Have a deadline on monday and i am still not even halfway. What is new, you say. Nothing. i need deadlines to bring out the best in me. The only time i get to code is when the kids are done with their tasks. And that means after 6.

And to think i have to cook after i go back because there is no leftover that i can feed him (and myself too)! He said we can always order from somewhere. And because i am stupid and stubborn, i don't want to do that. i can never think of hiring a cook. i don't trust people to cook better than me. Maybe except ema and emaibem.

i should get back to coding.