ek packet umeed (one packet of hope)

Watched this serial “Ek packet umeed” on NDTV and i actually liked it. My sister told me it was good and i decided to check it out. It is a respite from the really inane serials that i find myself watching these days – like the weepy Vidya/Divya, Kasturi and all those perpetually-soaked-in-tears females. Though i don’t know much about the storyline, it seems about a group of women in a shelter and their stories. Yesterday’s episode was about a woman being mistreated for dowry and how she gets rescued. This is one serial to watch out for. No rhona-dhona, no showing the characters in different shades hundred times.

i started this book titled “The last Kashmir Rose” – a whodunit story set in colonial India. This is one of the dozen books that SM sent for me – he bought them at 25 cents a book from the library. He knows i adore blood and gore story – me being inclined towards murder and all that. i only hope i can see it to the end. i could only complete some twenty pages yesterday night before i found the book reading me rather than me reading the book! i swear i am so low on energy these days.

At work, i am back to my “mentoring” the kids – which translates into me nagging them, demaning re-work till i am satisfied . SM says the quality of delivery from offshore suffers when i am not around – which is flattering. i always knew i was indispensable!!!

random thoughts

For my birthday, my sister got me Jhumpa’s latest book (Unaccustomed Earth). i have read a few pages and i quite like it. These days, the books seem to pile up. i sample one, read some 100 pages then start another one. i think i am like in the middle of some 10 books. Maybe it shows my fickleness.

i got myself a book – gee, i don’t even remember the name. Or the guy who wrote it. i am losing it. i am so losing it.

Work is boring me. i need a change, lord. Maybe a gender change! My mother always used to tell me she was glad i was not a boy. Because she said she was so sure i would have done something horrible like taking to drugs, running away from home. i am happy being a girl – though sometimes i wish i had the freedom to do anything i want – like walk alone on a deserted road at night or hike alone without the fear of anyone molesting me.

My machine is being upgraded so i need to transfer all my data – some 10GB! P-da was amazed to know i have hoarded so much of data.

SM gave me the BBC’s Planet Earth Complete Series. i have not watched it yet but i think it would be really wonderful.

He gave me an orange-colored suit – if he has his way, he would clothe me in orange lingerie, paint my nails orange and make me wear orange shoes!! i don’t know how we ever thought that we would make a compatible pair – the only thing we have in common is that we have nothing in common!!

i like Rakhi Sawant. She is so loud and so irrelevant that it is a joy to watch her! You get so tired of watching people who are so prim and propah all the time.

Have managed to come back with my sins intact! Took the early morning flight yesterday - had to wake up at 4:30. My throat feels like i have straw stuck in it and i have a stomach that seems to be not responding well to my return back to non-veg diet!

i feel like a ragged doll - maybe i am getting too old for travel. The trip was quite an experience. And all the darshan of the thousand gods and goddesses have not shaken my faith - i still remain a non-believer.

If i find the enthu, i will blog about the trip in detail.

Right now, all i want to do is wallow in a pond of sin, smoke grass and sin some more.

Now that everything is over, i need to get my life back on track. S has scheduled a meeting to try to win me over to his team - it feels good to be wanted so! i now have to decide whether i want to stay put here or grow wings and fly. i am so tired of the emotional roller-coaster i am in. i deserve so much more. And it hurts to see myself hesitating to take the final step. i thought i was stronger than this. But i am so scared of what this might do to my parents. It is at times like this that i wish i was just alone, with no soul to call my own. i am tired of getting hurt trying to stop my loved ones from getting hurt. i am selfish. i only wish i was more selfish.

My birthday came and went. And left me one year nearer to the end. What a depressing way to look at birthdays.

sayonara

Monday will see me playing pilgrim. The tour commences on Monday and i will be shuttling between all the holy places (with my load of sins!) till 5th June. i honestly don’t know whether to look forward to it. We have been advised to take light woolen clothes so, at least, it would be a respite from the sultry days that summer has brought over here.

We would be flying to Delhi on Monday, picked up from the airport and driven to Rishikesh. From there, we would start the char dham yatra. Would write about the trip in detail if and when i come back.

And so much for my resolve of celibacy!!!

ice ice baby

i think he knows that i would not take the first step this time around. He has been all sugar and honey. Even though i have been mono-syllabic. He tried to catch my attention by showing off the Morehgi torch that has a magnetic base and demonstrated it by sticking it to the microwave. And i remained very uninterested. He wanted me to cook pakora thonga but i told him i don’t know how and he should cook it himself (i really don’t know the recipe – other times, i would have called up home and asked ema). Any other day, he would have been “offended” by such “uncaring” behaviour but yesterday, he was like “Even i don’t know how” and left it at that.

i know he is trying hard to woo me again. He refuses to be irritated by my silence, my perfected-by-practice i-am-not-here look. He insists on talking to me even when all he gets in return is non-committal umms or a snobbish nod of the head. OK, i give it to him—he is persistent.

Since i believe in prolonging misery – especially when it is not me at the receiving end, i have managed to remain cold as an iceberg. i am such a spiteful creature at times that it amazes me no end. And pleases me too. Because being evil beats being good. If i were not aware of my lineage, I would have really thought i was the devil’s spawn.

And just so to remind myself that maybe i have a drop of goodness in me, i called up ema to ask for the recipe. This is exactly the reason why i am so much in love with myself – because i can never figure out what/who i am. And so i give myself the benefit of doubt and love myself. Do i even make sense? And do i even care?