duniya kare saawal....

duniya kare saawal
toh hum kya jawab de
tum ko na ho khayal toh
hum kya jawab de

pooche koyi ke dil ko kaha chod aaye he
kis kise apna rishta ye jaan tod aaye he
muskil ho aarze haal
toh hum kya jawab de
tum ko na ho khayal toh
hum kya jawab de

pooche koyi ke dard e waafa kaun de gaya
raaton ko jaagne ki saja kaun de gaya
kehene se ho malal toh
hum kya jawab de
tum ko nah ho khayal toh
hum kya jawab de

happy....

i am happy – after a long time, i am smiling, from a place deep inside. i am happy because, once again, i have discovered that i still have the courage to face trouble with grace, without buckling under. One by one, you will see, i will conquer all of these troubles infesting my life. One step at a time, i will learn to be steady on my feet. One smile at a time, i will make my life beautiful, the way it is meant to be.

i am proud of myself – for not crumbling into tears or worrying myself to death, for being practical, for having the courage to stand true to my beliefs. i love myself.

i am a bitch..i am an angel....?

My sis says i am insensitive to people's feelings - most of the people who know me well will vouch for this! My sense of humpour can be cruel at times and i am so good at picking the touchiest nerve to pinch!

When i reflect on myself i find i am a confusing mixture of evil and goodness - the evil outweighs the goodness in me though. Sometimes it scares me how manipulative i can be. And that i can be very cold-headed when it comes to facing troubles. Is because i don't have the tiny voice inside me called conscience? Whatever it is i like myself for being not too hard on myself when i make mistakes.

Who am i really?

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

---meredith brooks'bitch

My friends said this song was written for me.

playing in my mind...

Dil ke armaan ansoonwo me bahe gaye
Hum wafaa karke bhi tanha rahe gaye

Sayed unki akhri ho ye sitaam
Haar sitaam unke yeh soch ke sahe gaye

---roughly translated

All my heart’s desires have been washed away by my tears
i remain alone inspite of being faithful;

Thinking this might be his last fault (does sitaam mean fault or torture?)
i have tolerated all his faults

on in-laws and life's miseries

S said her in-laws think she is the wickedest daughter-in-law ever. i can never imagine anyone calling her wicked. Because she is someone whose heart is clean – i have known her for so long, i ought to know. She, so very untypical of her, said she might as well be bad to prove them right. She is on maternity leave and is at her parents’ home. Her in-laws did not come to visit her even once to meet their grandson.

What is it about in-laws? Of course, i know of so many who are good souls. But then, i know of others who make my blood boil. Why can they not realize that their daughter-in-law is a person with her own individuality? Why do they expect her to change herself completely to suit them? OK, i can understand compromises – but how does that make sense if the only person who is supposed to compromise is the daughter-in-law? S is a wonderful human being – and there are very few people i consider wonderful. Why can’t they see her good points instead of being prejudiced against her and making her out as a vamp? A woman leaves her home and family for her husband (why??), go to a new place she must call home for the rest of her life, has to learn to “adjust” to her new environment – and instead of welcoming her as one of their own, all they can do is find faults with her – she cannot do that, she does that, she does not do that. What the fuck? And i know, the advice meted out to her is – whatever it is, you are a woman, you have to cope with it. It is your lot. You have to learn to bear everything. My foot. Are we beasts of burden that we have to tolerate everything thrown at us? Don’t women deserve happiness? Are we incomplete without a man, without being married?

Someone who has been abused by her husband told me this –no matter whether your husband beats you up, kicks you, you have to bear it. What can we do, we are women. This is in our destiny.

What the ****. She is not an uneducated person or financially dependent on her husband. She told me she stayed because if she left, he might get married o somebody else and her children’s lives would be ruined.

Sometimes, life is too ugly. We make it ugly because we don’t do anything to change it. Why cannot we realize that there is always another door open – that we can always break a bond that makes you bleed instead of making you smile? Happiness – it is ours if only we know that it is something within us and not something someone is going to bestow on us