the 100th time....

Last night dinner was fun - the kind i can bring myself to attend. We had fun backbiting and talking about everything under the sun. The food was good - after the frozen dinners i have been forcing on myself, home-cooked food was like heaven. Tangra mach, pabda mach, aloo dam...yum. And to top the cake, p-da's wife told me i still look so thin and good looking - couldn't figure out whether i was supposed to get fat and lose my looks! ummmm...

This is the 100th post....Is that an occasion to celebrate? hah, you betcha....Why do i blog? i think , like all other things i do in life, it is for myself. Maybe it is to keep my thoughts intact for posterity. Unabashedly, i love reading my posts! Talk about conceit. But then, i have always been conceited and snobbish! And i would not have myself any other way.

thought of the day:
Nothing dries sooner than tears - Latin Proverb

but why???

i am definitely going crazy. i don't know why i am picking up fights with him. Is it the distance between us? Is it guilt that i am not there by his side? i don't know...But i find myself empty of words when i call him up. i don't know what to say. And he - i don't blame him - loses his cool. What is wrong with me?

The day started off pretty well. Caught up with an old friend on the net. Finished a book. i drifted off to sleep in the evening and woke up and danced! i practised my salsa steps in front of the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to learn that i have not forgotten the moves. Then the marathon phone calls - my sister and i yapping about everything under the sun. Then my parents. And then his family. And when it came to him, i clammed up.

Why? Why? i have always been the talkative one in this relationship. He is the silent brooding type. And all of a sudden, i just don't feel like telling him anything. This is scary. And when he needs me the most, i seem to be receding into my shell. i am evil.

i don't know. i think it is guilt. That i am not there with him now. And to assuage my guilt, what do i do? Of course, i make it harder for him by refusing to talk. Where do you still get malicious being like me anymore? If i had any sense, i would try to make it easier for him by being my normal self. But no, i have to complicate everything. i have to make him lose his cool. i am sorry, honey. But sorry is such a convenient word, isn't it? i know the pain you are going through...and i wish to be your pillar of support...i just don't seem to know how to go about it...

i hope i will be a better person...but that seems like a long way off...

sleepy head

late in the morning - still in the middle of a dream. Something woke me up and i glanced at the clock - and literally jumped out of the bed. i'd overslept!!

It seems like i never seem to get enough of sleep...i can sleep and sleep. And then, sleep some more. i think it has to be the dreams - i mean, even if i nap for 30 minutes, i dream. It is like i live in two worlds. And my dreams seem so real - when i wake up, sometimes it is with much reluctance. Yesterday, i dreamed i was reading a book - and i can even remember some lines from the book - as i was waiting for him to come to me. Aren't dreams supposed to be a reflection of your mental and emotional state? i only wish i can go on dreaming - and remembering them after i wake up.

i turned down tomorrow's invitation. Was feeling a bit guilty as only a selected few were invited. But then, i think i have had enough of small talk. In two weeks, i have declined two dos. Words will spread around that i am acting hoity-toity and hopefully, no one will invite me anymore. Such bliss. i want to be unpopular - beats me why. Maybe when i get there, i might want to be popular. Sometimes, i think i go out of my way to be mean, esp to people who like me. It is like i try to test their patience, try to see just how mean i have to be to lose their affection. Weird. i am such a weird character. Will never be able to figure myself out.

S wrote to tell me his efficiency has gone down as i am not there anymore to fight with him. Maybe they should hike my salary just for increasing project productivity. What a thought.

S -god, all the people in my life seems to have names starting with S - has gone to LA with his parents. i have never been to LA - and have no interest in going there either. Maybe because everyone wants to go there. i am an extreme case of inverted snob.

One book a day - that is my motto now. i have finished about 12 books so far! Making up for all the time when i stayed away from books. i might die of a book overdose - maybe they will find me in bed, covered in books, with a delighted expression on my face!

aurora borealis

aurora borealis - one of my must-see sights before i kick the bucket.

flunked...

i flunked the driving test much to my amusement. i got 9 questions wrong out of 36! It was fun! i went around telling everyone i failed! :) i will give the test again next week.

Much to my dismay, i have been invited to a barbecue party on sat and a dinner party on sunday. i am thinking of turning down the barbecue invitation. But the sunday do is a must-go so there goes my sunday solitude.

Work has been exciting. Got some tricky bugs to fix. A little challenge is always good for the soul.