The upward crawl begins…

 And so on a Wednesday morning, i brushed away the cobwebs in my head and logged in to work…not that anyone seems to have missed me much - just what was needed for an already bruised ego…

After trying to remember the 1001 passwords needed to log in to god knows what applications, weeding mails and tossing them unread into some obscure folders, i settled down to sulk with the laptop in front. It is a good thing we are still working from home because i have zero desire to see anyone or have anyone see me…C called me up - i guess she wanted to cheer me up- but i did not pick up and messaged her i did not want to talk. The rate i am going, i think i will lose the minuscule number of people i call friends.

I did manage to get some work done and logged off at an indecently early hour to sulk some more and plug the emptiness inside me with some raspberry filled biscuits from Ikea washed down with green tea…such is my life…

And i watched videos on Sahara desert and Antarctica (such is the state of my brain that i had to look up the spelling)…and thought how brave some people are..and why people  like me should not dream because all i do is dream and not see it through…i am a hypocrite and a gutless bitch- not a nice combination…

I have enough fabric in my closet to protect the modesty of 20045 Draupadis if i were Krishna - i should seriously start sewing and using them up but i cannot get myself to turn on the sewing machine…

It is raining as i type this - i love the rain, i love (and hate) how it reminds me of days gone by..i want to go walk in the rain, feel the tears mingle with the rain drops…do you think each one of us is assigned a finite amount of tears? I would like to think i am nearing the end of my quota of tears. I would like to reserve some for the day i die - if nobody cries for me when i fade away (which makes me sound like a star), i might as well cry for myself…i have no idea what junk i am writing…

Of thoughts and more thoughts…

i have decided to use my bad cold as an excuse to spend another day in bed, cavorting with my thoughts, books and some tears…i think i deserve at least some days where i can grieve in peace for what i thought i had for life, never mind if it was just an illusion.

There is something to say about the luxury of just just letting yourself slide to the bottom of the grief valley/bucket/whatever…just to let the thoughts run wild in your head of why/how things came to this, knowing so well nothing matters now. It is like watching something you built burn to the ground - you cannot stop watching even though it pains you…i am waiting for the flames to consume everything, for the embers to die so i can sweep the ashes away and maybe plant some cacti on that plot..yes, i am going crazy…

i know i need to get back to work but i don’t have the energy to do anything except the bare needful so the elf can survive and he does not see me in this state. i don’t know how i spent the last three weeks so cheerful - it is like i locked away these monsters and how that i am all alone with no one to keep a tab on me, they have broken their chains and out to run amok in my head…

i know i need to get a grip on it - i am not the first person on this planet whose heart has been broken nor will i be the last. But i am just giving myself the luxury of wallowing in this mucky tear soaked bottomless pit - it is nice to know this is the lowest point of my life so far, knowing that someone i trusted my life with could so casually toss me aside. But then maybe, i did not mean anything to him so maybe the fault is how i perceived this whole relationship. So yes, lets all heap the blame on this stupid bitch that i am…

Wow, that was bitter, even for me..maybe i just need to let it all out, write down everything i feel - that would be good fodder to smile at when i revisit maybe in a year or 10 or however long it is supposed to take to gather the pieces of a life you thought you had…

I will take the first step tomorrow, rejoin work and maybe start my slow crawl up from the bottom…is this why people drink to forget? Let me go drown my sorrow in pomegranate juice and waatin - and maybe order something and stuff my face. Yes, finally, it looks like i am grieving…my way…now, let me grieve in style…

Alone…

 For the first time since the drama unfolded, i am alone - without the need to appear cheerful. And maybe now, the real emotions will surface. Or maybe i have stopped caring. I have a bad cold i brought back with me so using that as an excuse to lie in bed, marinating with my thoughts.

Maybe i just need to take long, deep breaths and listen to some heartbreak songs, cry some buckets of tears and close this chapter and move on. If i was really honest with myself, maybe i would admit to myself that this is for the best. Left on my own, i would not have ever had the guts to cut the strings, scared i would bleed. So maybe he did me a favour.

So maybe it is time to dust the dust off my dreams that i had packed away, thinking i would never see them again -the dreams i forsook because i thought he was worth more than all the dreams i could dream of. The road ahead will be rough for sure. But then, nobody said life was going to be easy. 

So maybe i will chop off my tresses, colour it pink or mauve or whatever, maybe i will take up kickboxing and kick the shit out of life……maybe i will start drinking…maybe i will pack the bags and move away to someplace forsaken…

Or maybe i will just lie in bed and alternate between dreaming and shedding tears…so many possibilities, so many ways this could end but only one me.

 And some nights i wake up thinking everything is still the same until i realise that nothing will be the same again…

And i continue spouting inanities…and i sew away my pain…

Of love and respect

 Is it possible for love to survive without respect? If you lose all your respect for someone, does it mean you have stopped loving that person? Is disgust the same as anger? If someone’s action disgusts you, does it strangle love?