Phoenix

If someone had told me before that i would be going through what life has thrown at me now, i would have thought i would burn and spew venom. But i find myself thinking i just would not grieve or get bitter just because someone broke my heart.

I have always thought that whatever happens, happens for the best. I have no God to turn to or faith to seek solace in. But i have myself and the knowledge/arrogance that i can weather any storm i find myself in. That this would be my trial by fire and i would rise from the ashes like the phoenix. 

So life, here i am. Throw at me what you will. Break my heart into pieces. I will rise one day, i will smile again and mean it. I will see my dreams emerge from the cocoon. You cannot break me. If my love was not enough, so be it. 

And so it ends…

 On a cloudy Monday morning, two people who took vows to be with each other for life signed a piece of paper that would bring them nearer to the end of the road. 

And we sipped tea and ate kelichana afterwards in ‘celebration’. It drizzled a bit as if our love, or whatever it was between us, cried. I would like to think we parted as friends. I would like to think we would always be there for each other no matter what paper we signed on.

‘I thought when my love for you died 

I would die

It is dead

Alone, most strangely, I live on’

 ‘Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho

Kya gam he jisko chupa rahe ho’

In the light of the day

i hide away my tears

And put on my mask of gaiety

In the silence of the night

When the mask comes off

My tears keep me company

And just like that..

 I have no idea what the title means…i have been scrubbing toilet bowls, floors, clothes, utensils— anything that can be scrubbed to scrub away some of the hurt. There is something therapeutic about manual labour…

And i revisit the different philosophies i used to love. I think what has helped me through this difficult time is knowing that i do not have to react the way i am expected to react. Maybe that is the rebel in me…whatever it is, i hope to find some solace in the fact that he is happy, that he has gotten what he wanted and knowing that, one day, i will be able to look back at this and think i have handled it with grace (obviously, since i so lack in grace, the one time i have shown a trace of grace, i need to harp on it so that no one misses this!).

Life is life- it goes on even when you cry yourself to sleep, or act overtly cheerful so my dear ones would not see my pain. Every now and then, i escape to some corner so i can paint on my mask of cheerfulness. But i like to believe that whatever has happened, it is for the best. I did not have the courage to let go- but he did. I do not need to paint myself as the victim or him as the villain. 

Morality

 I was trying to understand why my lack of anger was getting to me. I think it is because somewhere in my mind, i equate the lack of anger as condoning what he has done. But i do not condone it - on my moral compass, i find it repulsive. I would have thought the fact that i find it repulsive would make me angry. And in my head, i found myself judging him.

But as the thoughts swirled around, i found myself asking what is morality? Should i judge everyone by my moral compass or judge only my own actions? If i judge him by my moral compass, doesn’t it mean i am foisting my sense of morality on him? Maybe what is repulsive to me is justifiable on his moral compass? What do i get by judging his actions just because it hurt and repulsed me? The same deed when weighed on different moral scales would register different weights in terms of right and wrong. 

In the overall scheme of life, how does all this matter? Just because he chose to do something that i have never, even in my wildest dreams, thought he could do, should i condemn his character? Yes, i feel sad that he did not turn out to be the person i thought he was - but then, is it his fault if i thought him to be something he was not? If his love for me was not enough to have stopped him, is that my problem or his?

There is nothing like old fashioned heartbreak like this to turn one into a pseudo philosopher.