‘Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho

Kya gam he jisko chupa rahe ho’

In the light of the day

i hide away my tears

And put on my mask of gaiety

In the silence of the night

When the mask comes off

My tears keep me company

And just like that..

 I have no idea what the title means…i have been scrubbing toilet bowls, floors, clothes, utensils— anything that can be scrubbed to scrub away some of the hurt. There is something therapeutic about manual labour…

And i revisit the different philosophies i used to love. I think what has helped me through this difficult time is knowing that i do not have to react the way i am expected to react. Maybe that is the rebel in me…whatever it is, i hope to find some solace in the fact that he is happy, that he has gotten what he wanted and knowing that, one day, i will be able to look back at this and think i have handled it with grace (obviously, since i so lack in grace, the one time i have shown a trace of grace, i need to harp on it so that no one misses this!).

Life is life- it goes on even when you cry yourself to sleep, or act overtly cheerful so my dear ones would not see my pain. Every now and then, i escape to some corner so i can paint on my mask of cheerfulness. But i like to believe that whatever has happened, it is for the best. I did not have the courage to let go- but he did. I do not need to paint myself as the victim or him as the villain. 

Morality

 I was trying to understand why my lack of anger was getting to me. I think it is because somewhere in my mind, i equate the lack of anger as condoning what he has done. But i do not condone it - on my moral compass, i find it repulsive. I would have thought the fact that i find it repulsive would make me angry. And in my head, i found myself judging him.

But as the thoughts swirled around, i found myself asking what is morality? Should i judge everyone by my moral compass or judge only my own actions? If i judge him by my moral compass, doesn’t it mean i am foisting my sense of morality on him? Maybe what is repulsive to me is justifiable on his moral compass? What do i get by judging his actions just because it hurt and repulsed me? The same deed when weighed on different moral scales would register different weights in terms of right and wrong. 

In the overall scheme of life, how does all this matter? Just because he chose to do something that i have never, even in my wildest dreams, thought he could do, should i condemn his character? Yes, i feel sad that he did not turn out to be the person i thought he was - but then, is it his fault if i thought him to be something he was not? If his love for me was not enough to have stopped him, is that my problem or his?

There is nothing like old fashioned heartbreak like this to turn one into a pseudo philosopher. 

Love or something like it

 Love. One word around which revolves so much joy and pain. When the one you love slams the door on your face, does your love shatter? Is love so ephemeral? Does love rely on it being reciprocated to thrive? Why cannot love be just by itself? Why does it have to be give and take?

I cannot find it in me to loathe him. I know there can never be that connection with him again. But i know i want him to be happy, i want to see him smile…and i think to myself, maybe that is what love is, this desire to protect him from any hurt, this desire to see a smile on his lips even if it is at the expense of my tears.

My hurt is my own. It does not have to take away from the love i feel for him, despite everything that has happened. And that is that…

It is what it is

When a heart breaks, is it the end of the world? When your world shatters without prior notice (as if the universe would care enough to warn you), do you give yourself time to curl up and marinate in your tears or do you shrug off the pain and crawl forward?

I have been gobbling articles on stoicism - like a drowning person clutching at something to keep afloat. The philosophy resonates with me - the beauty of knowing that there are some things beyond our control and what we can control is how we react to those things. It hurts but it is what it is. The world still goes on, i still need to pee (what??), still need to eat…

Understanding that nothing is permanent in life, that all things good or bad will come to an end, this pain i am struggling with right now will fade into a dull ache and then into nothingness. 

I am also struggling with my lack of anger…would it have helped if i was angry at him? Would the fire of anger burn the pain - just like you would burn down the stubble before you plant again? Or have i realised the truth that it just is not worth it. I cannot control what someone says or does. I can only control what i can do or not do.

It is difficult coming to terms with the end of something that i thought was for keeps. Maybe that is the mistake we all make - of thinking that things/relationships are permanent. What is here today might be gone tomorrow. 

Sometimes, this calm inside me scares me because this is not how i thought i would have reacted if someone pulled the rug from under my feet. I keep thinking -am i in shock, when would the reactions kick in, when would the bitterness seep in, when would anger raise its head and sting me. 

Am i hurt? Oh yes…Does it pain? Oh, it does. But inside me, i know i will heal, that i will forgive him and myself and move on to do the things i was meant to do…

I don’t know if i am making any sense, even to myself. Right now, i just wish to close my eyes, open them and find i am sitting there under the skies on the dunes of the Sahara, drinking in the beauty of the stars, preferably all alone. 

They say the best revenge is living well. But revenge has such a negative connotation. Why would i want to avenge myself? But yes, i want to be able to live well. I want to be wise enough to use this as a learning and become a better person. God knows i have made mistakes galore and maybe what happened is the manifestation of all the mistakes i/we made. But i want to be able to forgive myself for all the times i have hurt him, i want to be able to forgive him for all the times i let him hurt me.