It is raining....

After what seems like about a month with no rain, it is raining now. Good for the plants. I spied three or four baby tomatoes and two winged beans and was pleasantly surprised. I thought all my watering was going to waste. 

Had a fight with him yesterday. I guess I was spoiling for one. Maybe because I hate it that he is away. I am coping OK - have been trying to keep the elf busy - taking him to plays and exhibitions and such. Took him to the chingay parade yesterday and, as usual, I ended up enjoying more than him. I suppose  a time will come when he will refuse to go with a mother who behaves like a 5 year old herself. 

Been reading. Cleaning the basins and sinks. I always clean sinks after I fight with him. maybe it cleanses my soul.

In another hour, would be taking the elf for the Lego movie and eat out. 

As we were returning home, I thought about how safe I feel here in Singapore. It was after 11 in the night and we walked from the bus stand without a care. I have never felt safer anywhere than I do here. I would scared stiff to take a cab or walk outside this late back in India. Whatever you say about Singapore being sterile, I find this place worming its way into my heart. This is the place I would like up the elf to grow up - with me safe in the knowledge that there are no school shootings or  people out to grab him.

I will not be the one to mend this fight - well I never am the one. I have too big an ego - an ego that would one day be the end of me. 

I am so flawed - a bad daughter, wife and mother..but is that all that defines me? I am a flawed human - all the worse because I  am aware of it and still would not change a thing. Let me go and eat some pineapple tarts....what ???

All of my creative juice has apparently been exhausted. So I have a bag of felt, clay and stuffs dying on me. I have not created a single thing for so long it makes my heart ache. My life seems to play out in phases. A bit like the moon waning a d waxing. And filled with mood craters of the kind that would leave you gasping for release.

I have lost weight - no thanks to the smoothies I never drank. I have been surviving on quinoa and the occasional rice and curry. It is no fun cooking for myself.

I completed two years here. Two years. It is scary how fast time flies. And I have nothing to show for it. I still have not written the book I keep telling I would write. I remain a fat caterpillar, moody and bitter. No sign of a butterfly anywhere in me. Do you suppose too much tarts can make one depressed. I need to eat dosa or thosai as they call it here.

At least I know my 1-10 in Chinese. Though I still cannot use the chopsticks in spite of the lessons my two lunch companions give me. 

Done.

....

The elf and I went to a garage sale and got some books for him.

And I have been sneezing - I hate this. I felt a bit feverish in the afternoon. I cannot afford to be sick when I am all alone with the elf. Fucking body of mine. Cannot figure out why I keep getting sick, yeah, I know.. I don't take good care of it, that is why..but I bought the fruit, remember? And never ate them...

I just need to pop in a lemolate and get this fricking body up and running because I promised to take the elf on a show tomorrow. 

I need to sleep.....and hope the night does its magic on me and I will be my cheerfully grumpy self in the morning..

....

The day went off well enough. But the evening saw me blowing my lid off at my mother. I love her, yes, I do but sometimes when I say something to chastise her, she goes like ' I will never say anything again. You people can do whatever you like. I have no say...'.

That makes my blood boil. I mean, why can't she just listen to the rationale behind what I am saying instead of thinking i am attacking her? I was so pissed off ...

I am a bad daughter, I guess. But sometimes, I want her to not look at the negative side and not go on harping on what anyone is saying. I want her to realize that it just does not matter.

I think I will call up and maybe just say to take care. I am also at the age when I do not want to spend a night knowing I must have hurt her.  

On a bright side, the elf likes the quinoa fried 'rice'. So we have had it for dinner two nights straight! 

One of the guys doubled over in laughter when T told him I have been told that I am overweight by the doctor. It is now the butt of Tjoke. If I eat anything he tells me I should not be eating as I am overweight.

12

The elf and I have made a habit of going to the park. He scooters around in a circle while I pedal like mad on the stationary cycle.

The good thing about Singapore is that you find exercise equipments at the park. Basic equipments but still, better than nothing.

 My eating healthy phase is slowly fading! As expected. I still have avocado, grapefruit and pineapple, not to mention the green apples and bananas, hidden away in the fridge. I am so f&$&&& lazy.

11

It is a beautiful life - if only we could open our eyes to it.