???

OK, so we got invited to the birthday party of his friend's daughter. The time said 12. We arrived there at 12 and find we are the first person - the only person there was the girl's father!!! WTF? Indian standard time.

So here i am, sitting in a corner, nursing a headache and wondering when this would end -and  it has not even started yet...

Yesterday, we went to DTF for tda's birthday lunch. We love that place. Just because he did not want a cake, we got one!!! I did not have much of an appetite - k and the others kept pressing me to eat more. Which made want to scream .. I hate it when anyone does that.

The past few days, I have been going back to the past. Unwillingly. Memories of distant places and even more distant people kept flashing in and out. I know my defenses are down but I cannot take this anymore. I want to give up the elf for adoption and run away to the Himalayas loaded with books and grass. I still need to buy a iPad.

That or I want to become a street walker and sell my body and soul and anything that is left.

I think I am finally losing the plot.

Down down down

Down with god-knows-what... Worked from home for the second day but have to drag myself to office tomorrow because I want to wish T-da on his birthday and also because I might go mad wallowing in my misery.

C got the books - two haruki. I hope t-da likes them. 

I can hardly drag myself out of bed- I work in bed and then read just to get distracted. I was telling t-da I need to get stoned on LSD.. OD and found dead in bed. That sounds like a nice way to snuff out life.

We got paid our bonus - not as much as I would have liked but yeah, enough to make my hands not quiver when

I buy those expensive clay stuffs I am

getting obsessed about. Money. The things we do for it. The things we cannot do for the lack of it.

I have a wad of tissue stuck up my nose as it refuses to stop leaking. If only they sold nose napkin just like sanitary napkin. Maybe a nose tampon. Anything.

And I have this stupid cough which i hope does not end up in an asthma attack. I so don't need one right now. The fever is gone and so is much of the ache.

I realize I  am not a very nice person and I have made my peace with it. Maybe the world needs more un-nice peeps like me. I got the word peeps from t-da who I am very happy to say has been promoted!! On that happy note I will drop off to sleep induced by cough syrup. Give me LSD.

Life...

I am sick - both physically and emotionally. All I feel like doing is closing my eyes and not waking up again...but the elf calls, the books call...

The words have dried up, the chasm too deep to fill in... And I wonder is it worth saving.. 

Love..what does it mean? I don't know anymore. But I have this ache inside, this longing..for whom, for what, I don't know..

How easy is it to forget? How easy is it to cut your losses and move on? How easy is it to wipe the taste of love from your life? How easy is it just to stumble from one second to the next? How easy is it to   just live and not be alive???

What am I doing here? Why? What is the purpose of it all?? What is the meaning of this meaningless existence? I am so tired of all the questions. I am so tired of the constant echoes of discontent in my soul. 

I wish I could fade away - like my dreams that seduced me into thinking there was more to this life.. I wish I could pour away my life, one meaningless drop after another into the endless gutter that surrounds me.. I wish I could cut away these chains that tie me...

And now I know why I turn away from any intoxicant. Because I know only too well how easily I will succumb to just drifting away.. trying up chase my dreams on the wings of an illusion...

...

The sister arrived yesterday with goodies for me and the elf. Now I have all the dried yendem, soibum, nga ayaiba, dried hawaizar and other stuffs from home to last me a lifetime! 

The elf is excited to have one more soul in the house to help him with his coloring and god knows what else and generally have someone to bully!

The potluck at work went off well - the red curry was much appreciated. We ate so much that we all were half asleep post  lunch. The joys of overeating.

Nothing

It is the middle of the night. I finished reading a thriller, with the elf insisting on using my arm as his pillow! 

I suddenly missed him -you know how it is like. You feel like you have to tell him how you feel so I mailed him instead...I am the kind who communicate better in writing...

Why is it that some women insist on being martyrs ( i don't know what is happening to my brain - I had to look up the spelling)..why do they think that they have no say, that being submissive is a virtue, that being a woman means you have to sacrifice, that suffering is your lot. Why? I am as equal, if not more superior than the guys around. Just because I don't have balls does not mean I am a lesser being... 

My eyelids are half closed as I type this. When I wake up, the sister would be here. To think he is just a few hours away - but it feels like he is light years away when I cannot touch him or wake up in the middle of the night and feel him lying next to me...but sometimes, you have to let go...to see him live his dreams is more important - or so I console myself. Actually, I should hate him...but I don't ... That is the tragedy of life-- I think...I am actually half asleep...