26

I have nor read a book for a long time now it seems. I was thinking of joining the public library - they let you borrow 20 books at a time. 20! That brings back memories of the library when I was in school. You were allow to borrow just one book and return it the next week. It was unthinkable of me to buy books then - they were above my league. Baba used to buy me comics - indrajal, amar chitra katha, chandamana...but the novels I love like Hardy boys, Nancy drew, Enid blyton..I could only think of reading them from the library. I bought two Nancy drew novels in my school life and that was like a very momentous occasion for me.

There were many girls in my class who did not love reading. So, I being I, always finding ways to twist the law - I used to request them to borrow books. I would decide the title, pass it on to them and they would go up to the librarian and borrow the said book and hand it over to me. That way, after each library period, instead of my prescribed quota of one book, I would have 5 or more! How thar I think of it, we must have been very trusting creatures..at least the classmates who borrowed on my behalf. What if I had torn the book or lost it? The blame would have gone officially to them.

Now, I suppose I could afford to buy the whole series of hardy, Nancy and whoever or whatever I choose to read. But I think it would not give me half the pleasure I got when I had those borrowed books handed over to me. Money, fortunately, cannot buy everything.

25

A bit of sunshine. Had a day out. It was good fun for elf.

Maybe by next week, the uncertainty would resove. For good or bad. either way, it would not be the end of the world. I am beginning to think the trick of living is to just go with the flow and wherever it takes you. But easier said than done I know. But I will try. Am I getting wiser or just tricking myself into believing so? Who cares?

24

A junior at work who claims to be able to read faces said the first impression of me is that I am arrogant. How true! I am arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I mean, I have been told so many times by people that their first impression of me is arrogance. Is the way I talk? The way I hold my head? Or maybe that I look through people?

When I was in high school, I was told by somebody who later became a close friend (but now out of touch) that I turned out so different when he really got to know me. His first impression was that I was arrogant. Cut to college life and lo, the same observation made by friends there as well.

There must be something in me that makes people think I am so full of myself - which I am. But I would have never thought it was so apparent.

My colleague, bless her kind soul, reassured me today again that everyone in the project thinks very highly of me. To deserve that, I fastened my work pace and completed more than half of the analysis all by myself! Hee, how flattery works! But I needed that. After a long stint off from work, I had thought I have half lost it. But intelligence, it seems, does not desert you easily. Hah, and neither does arrogance and immodesty!!

23

With age, I have found that I do like being appreciated. I had a talk with my lead- something I was not really looking forward to. He has a sense of sarcasm about him. I was expecting to half mock me. And lo, I was blown away because he seemed genuinely anxious to see that I stay on. He said he would not like me to leave and that he would talk to my manager and see what options they can think of. Wow! I mean, even if unfortunately nothing works out, I would be happy with the knowledge that the people here really think of highly of me. My lead also echoed my colleague's opinion that my manager would not like to lose me.

And to think the company I slogged for eight years took me for granted. Maybe the longer you stay, you get treated like the furniture around. People don't expect you to move.

I hope things work out. And I am so damn pleased to know that I am considered well almost indispensable. Almost.

22

My future is still uncertain. I have no idea what is going to happen. Which is not really fun. Not that I am sweating but i feel I should really stop this habit of doing things with the blind belief that everything will turn my way. I don't know whether closing this door would mean that other doors would open. I am hoping so.

When I think of it, my entire life has come this far without me planning anything. Which explains a lot of the mess I find myself in.