24

A junior at work who claims to be able to read faces said the first impression of me is that I am arrogant. How true! I am arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I mean, I have been told so many times by people that their first impression of me is arrogance. Is the way I talk? The way I hold my head? Or maybe that I look through people?

When I was in high school, I was told by somebody who later became a close friend (but now out of touch) that I turned out so different when he really got to know me. His first impression was that I was arrogant. Cut to college life and lo, the same observation made by friends there as well.

There must be something in me that makes people think I am so full of myself - which I am. But I would have never thought it was so apparent.

My colleague, bless her kind soul, reassured me today again that everyone in the project thinks very highly of me. To deserve that, I fastened my work pace and completed more than half of the analysis all by myself! Hee, how flattery works! But I needed that. After a long stint off from work, I had thought I have half lost it. But intelligence, it seems, does not desert you easily. Hah, and neither does arrogance and immodesty!!

23

With age, I have found that I do like being appreciated. I had a talk with my lead- something I was not really looking forward to. He has a sense of sarcasm about him. I was expecting to half mock me. And lo, I was blown away because he seemed genuinely anxious to see that I stay on. He said he would not like me to leave and that he would talk to my manager and see what options they can think of. Wow! I mean, even if unfortunately nothing works out, I would be happy with the knowledge that the people here really think of highly of me. My lead also echoed my colleague's opinion that my manager would not like to lose me.

And to think the company I slogged for eight years took me for granted. Maybe the longer you stay, you get treated like the furniture around. People don't expect you to move.

I hope things work out. And I am so damn pleased to know that I am considered well almost indispensable. Almost.

22

My future is still uncertain. I have no idea what is going to happen. Which is not really fun. Not that I am sweating but i feel I should really stop this habit of doing things with the blind belief that everything will turn my way. I don't know whether closing this door would mean that other doors would open. I am hoping so.

When I think of it, my entire life has come this far without me planning anything. Which explains a lot of the mess I find myself in.

21

Still don't know where things will head. So many options but I am wary whether any of them will work out. I am becoming pessimistic with age. But I have had my hopes up - my hopes are helium filled- only to get dashed. So I am wary now.

Maybe by next week I will know where life is headed. It felt nice to have a colleague I confided to telling me that my manager would not want to part with me because he is so impressed with me. That felt good. Much better than being taken for granted. I got a call again and I was told that what I was being offered was the best package they were handing out to anyone here from the company and that irked me. Not everything has to do with money. I would have stayed if they had increased it by just a token amount to try to please me. But I felt like I was being taken for granted. For eight fucking years, I never complained even once about my salary or promotion or lack of it. Maybe it is about time I stopped underselling myself.

But I hope I still have something to do by the time the drama gets over. I mean how tragic would it be if I end up jobless because I am stupid enough to leave one before having another one in the kitty?

20

Either the scale is way off or I am fading away into nothingness. I weigh 43.6 kg. 43.6. Just 43.6. Not even 44. Is it because I am not having a proper lunch? But I have all the junk food to make up for that. I should be putting on weight, not losing it. Maybe I am dying. Yes, so melodramatic of me, I know.

I have decided to stick to my decision to terminate my contract. Even though the CTC is high, since I have been told I would not be getting any of the tax benefits the others do, my take home is not something I want to live with. Plus the fact that they kept harping on how my CTC was higher than anyone onsite - it made me feel like they thought I was too greedy. And that, I did not like. Another crossroad. I don't know how thigs will end up - I am counting on the reputation I hope I have built up to get me a contract with the client without any middleman- that way I would earn almost twice what I earn now. But maybe they would not want me. oh well, that would not be the end of the world. But it would not feel nice, would it?

I will wait and see where life takes me.