Today was supposed to be the hottest day of the year. And I saw more bare bodied men in my life today than the whole time I have been in this country. It was like all guys with bodies good enough to show off had decided to take off their shirts today. Not that I am complaining.
Even I, the kind who would wrap herself in a blanket if she could to step outside at the merest hint of a gloomy sky, I ventured out in a t- shirt today - that would be the equivalent of me stripping down to my skin.
On the work front, keeping myself busy learning new stuff that I am not supposed to know. What I hate about this place is the fact that every team is compartmentalized - one team is not supposed to have the know-how of the other team. I mean , what the hell? It is not like we are working for rival companies. We work for the same goddamn company. I insist on trying to know what the other teams do. That did not go down too well in the beginning. But I guess my perseverance got the better of them.
One of my ex-junior told me their productivity has gone down now that I am back in the office because we now have long tea breaks - ok, oneong tea break to be precise. He said tea breaks were not that fun when I am not around. Hah! I must be miss popularity herself!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The art of staying alive
What is the art of staying alive? By that I don't mean just breathing, eating...I mean alive in the sense of knowing what you want, having a sense of direction...I am so fucking bored out of my mind these days- see, I even used the f word. I am that bored. I get no joy out of work - because I have nothing much to do. I should have taken a longer break but the client kept asking when I would join. Rather than not have a job, I joined. They pay me now for spending half the day gazing at the laptop with empty eyes. I would rather have work than sit idle. The minutes seem to crawl painfully slow.
The days are painfully similar, one day bleeding into the next. And half the year is gone even before I realized it.
I guess after some time you have to realize that there is no sense in life, no purpose. We are born, we will die and in between, if we are lucky we would have lived. What is the whole fucking point of earning and making my bank balance fat? Security for the future they say. What the hell! I don't even know whether I want to be alive tomorrow.
I am beginning to fade. Into the nothingness I came from. I don't find nothing much to look forward to because I see no sense in anything in life. Hormones? Phase of the moon? Or maybe I just became wiser.
The days are painfully similar, one day bleeding into the next. And half the year is gone even before I realized it.
I guess after some time you have to realize that there is no sense in life, no purpose. We are born, we will die and in between, if we are lucky we would have lived. What is the whole fucking point of earning and making my bank balance fat? Security for the future they say. What the hell! I don't even know whether I want to be alive tomorrow.
I am beginning to fade. Into the nothingness I came from. I don't find nothing much to look forward to because I see no sense in anything in life. Hormones? Phase of the moon? Or maybe I just became wiser.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
i am back..the weather is a bitch...so many things happened in between..birthday came and went leaving me one year older..I do not find birthdays special anymore.. He'll, it is just another day. How does it matter whether you were born on that date many moons back? Why do we celebrate birthdays? I mean what is the point? Are we celebrating the joy of being alive? Just on one day? I am so anti-everything these days.
I was also sick right after the birthday. When it was a torture just to drag myself out of bed. It has been a long time that I have been sick that I had forgotten how much it sucks. It is then you realize that there is nothing like good health. If you are not feeling well, nothing counts. I made life miserable for everyone because I was feeling so miserable. nothing like adversity to bring out the worse in me.
I also returned to work. After nearly half an year of enjoying working from home, not having to bother with deciding what to war, whether I am late...I hate it. But I don't have any excuse of not joining the other ordinary mortals in their daily trudge to work. And as expected from me, all I made in the one month break I took allegedly to brush up my candle making skills were 4 candles... All miserable looking ones. I swear it is enough to make me forget about the dream of a candle shop. But in my defense I was just not in the mood. I need to have that creative juices flowing before I start a project. This time around it was more like forced. I was clever and gave up and went back to books and sleeping instead. Pat me on the back, please.
At work, everybody welcomed me. Umm. That felt good. Also, one of my colleagues from my ex- company who is here said she was frustrated to see me in so good a shape. I don't know whether she was expecting me to have aged, put on weight, look horrible in the intervening years she had not seen me. hah! Good genes.
Life is strange. It throws you in situations that rattle you when you least expect it. One thing I have discovered is that I am the kind of person I wantto be with when I am in trouble. I will initially panic, start tearing my hair and do the stuff drama queens do. And then I will transform into a cool(cold) headed bitch who will go about mending the broken pieces and trying to extricate myself from the holes I keep falling into. I love Myself. Yes I do.
I was also sick right after the birthday. When it was a torture just to drag myself out of bed. It has been a long time that I have been sick that I had forgotten how much it sucks. It is then you realize that there is nothing like good health. If you are not feeling well, nothing counts. I made life miserable for everyone because I was feeling so miserable. nothing like adversity to bring out the worse in me.
I also returned to work. After nearly half an year of enjoying working from home, not having to bother with deciding what to war, whether I am late...I hate it. But I don't have any excuse of not joining the other ordinary mortals in their daily trudge to work. And as expected from me, all I made in the one month break I took allegedly to brush up my candle making skills were 4 candles... All miserable looking ones. I swear it is enough to make me forget about the dream of a candle shop. But in my defense I was just not in the mood. I need to have that creative juices flowing before I start a project. This time around it was more like forced. I was clever and gave up and went back to books and sleeping instead. Pat me on the back, please.
At work, everybody welcomed me. Umm. That felt good. Also, one of my colleagues from my ex- company who is here said she was frustrated to see me in so good a shape. I don't know whether she was expecting me to have aged, put on weight, look horrible in the intervening years she had not seen me. hah! Good genes.
Life is strange. It throws you in situations that rattle you when you least expect it. One thing I have discovered is that I am the kind of person I wantto be with when I am in trouble. I will initially panic, start tearing my hair and do the stuff drama queens do. And then I will transform into a cool(cold) headed bitch who will go about mending the broken pieces and trying to extricate myself from the holes I keep falling into. I love Myself. Yes I do.
Monday, May 23, 2011
the demons in me....
Sometimes, i don't know how my bad moods are triggered, how these demons in me awaken. Sometimes, it takes nothing to make me angry with life, with everyone around me. i get angry with ema if she takes too long to answer my call, i do not respond if he asks me something - it is a wonder i have people still in my life. Maybe ties are difficult to break.
...so much to live for. And yet, i squander away my happiness, my life by insisting on being true to my moods, these dark, mind numbing streaks of thoughts that rain on e every now and then. Soaking me to the soul with misery. i wait for the sun to come out but when it does, all i can see is the dark clouds that would drift in after a bright spell.
the goodness in me, have i lost it all, spent away drop by drop trying to feed my demons to retreat? or do i find excuses just to justify the kind of mean bitch i am? the trouble with me is i am a drama queen who loves to wallow in the mud of self inflicted misery, who will tear open a joy to try to find the sorrow inside and cry foul if none is there, who is tainted with cynicism. Such a pity i love the bitch in me.
...so much to live for. And yet, i squander away my happiness, my life by insisting on being true to my moods, these dark, mind numbing streaks of thoughts that rain on e every now and then. Soaking me to the soul with misery. i wait for the sun to come out but when it does, all i can see is the dark clouds that would drift in after a bright spell.
the goodness in me, have i lost it all, spent away drop by drop trying to feed my demons to retreat? or do i find excuses just to justify the kind of mean bitch i am? the trouble with me is i am a drama queen who loves to wallow in the mud of self inflicted misery, who will tear open a joy to try to find the sorrow inside and cry foul if none is there, who is tainted with cynicism. Such a pity i love the bitch in me.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
the long and short of it...
Putting it bluntly, i am short - though petite seems a better word. Though not short enough to qualify as a dwarf. Growing up in a place where the people are generally not too vertically blessed - though the present crop of generation suggests otherwise - i never felt umm 'vertically challenged' (for the want of a better word).
i have heard it so often from my friends who are short that if there was one thing they would wish for, it would be for those extra inches. And i have been questioned so many times by them whether i hated being short. The answer has always been 'no' and i have always been met with disbelief. They think i am just putting on a brave face and pretending i am happy with what i am.
If i ask myself the same question, the answer is 'no' - i don't hate the fact that i am not tall. i think it is my ego - i mean when you are as conceited as i am, you don't need the 'physical' height. You think you are so above the others that even from my 5' nothing elevation, you seem to tower over those who are physically at a higher elevation than you! Though i concede i am far from perfect (oh thank god for that trace of modesty), i think i am at peace with the way i look. Which would also explain why i refuse to add some inches wearing heels. i do not find shoes with any semblance of elevation exceeding 5 cm comfortable. i love flats, ballerinas, sneakers or just walking barefoot. Anything but heels.
i need a stool or a chair if i have to get things off the top shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes, very unladylike and much to his amusement, i jump up on the kitchen counter to get things off the top shelf. But who cares? Like they say, beautiful things come in small packages!
i have heard it so often from my friends who are short that if there was one thing they would wish for, it would be for those extra inches. And i have been questioned so many times by them whether i hated being short. The answer has always been 'no' and i have always been met with disbelief. They think i am just putting on a brave face and pretending i am happy with what i am.
If i ask myself the same question, the answer is 'no' - i don't hate the fact that i am not tall. i think it is my ego - i mean when you are as conceited as i am, you don't need the 'physical' height. You think you are so above the others that even from my 5' nothing elevation, you seem to tower over those who are physically at a higher elevation than you! Though i concede i am far from perfect (oh thank god for that trace of modesty), i think i am at peace with the way i look. Which would also explain why i refuse to add some inches wearing heels. i do not find shoes with any semblance of elevation exceeding 5 cm comfortable. i love flats, ballerinas, sneakers or just walking barefoot. Anything but heels.
i need a stool or a chair if i have to get things off the top shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes, very unladylike and much to his amusement, i jump up on the kitchen counter to get things off the top shelf. But who cares? Like they say, beautiful things come in small packages!
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