incoherent ramblings..

i find it most amusing that i think some of my deepest thoughts in the loo and when i am in a bus/taxi/car by myself. The loo, ah, isn't it lucky for my thoughts that i am a constipated soul - now, what does that mean?

i like long rides - in fact sometimes i just wish life was just one long bus ride where i could sit back, doze and think, dream, look out the window and stare at people wondering what their lives are like. i think i am a voyeur...

i am re-reading some of the books - it feels a bit like renewing old friendships..The boi mela starts next week..i would love to buy more books. Ema looked at all the books in the book case and said something to the tune that there were too many books and wondered why when i would not have the time to read them ---i was offended and told her i have read every one of them.

He thinks all my silly ideals arise from the books i read. Maybe he thinks i would have been more human if i read less...everyone seems to think i am too different...

i have a craving for swans - i know, they are such beautiful creatures and who but the wicked would even think of eating them...i remember the wild ducks that used to swim in the lagoon and how i used to tell SM that we should ducknap one for the wok...i am such a heartless glutton...no feelings for the other living creatures...

i feel the need for a career change - maybe it is midlife crisis or something like that..i know i do what i am expected to do very well but i am getting bored of it...There used to be a time when at least i was motivated because i had the kids at work to nag...i think i want to open a candle shop...or maybe a roadside dhaba...or maybe a paan dukaan but i hate paan...or maybe i should become a homemaker - i will make a poor one at that..i have neither the skills nor the patience.

My sister installed solar panels back home at Imphal so now she says there is light everyday...that is like a luxury back home...How sick is that something essential like that is a luxury for some in this age?? And that everyone accepts it as a way of life...

Yesterday was Emoinu - it is a Manipuri festival worshipping Emoinu - i don't know whether she is the goddess of the kitchen or something else. Even though i do not believe in anything that says 'worship', i bought sweets and flowers for Ema so she could at least feel happy..and maybe because i wanted to eat sweets...glutton...

Life drags on...the same day, the same night...with some variations thrown in...Is this what it is all about? There has to be more to it...now, if only i can find out what....

Memories calling.....

Got out all my books from their dumping ground - under the bed, in the loft, unread, unloved for long...dusted them, and arranged them in the new bookcase- with my sister and my little elf helping out. OK, my sister did most of the work while i looked at the books trying to remember...

i have so many books - old ones almost falling apart which i bought from
second hand because i was not able to afford new ones, shiny,new ones that i bought after i started earning enough to indulge myself, books gifted by
loved ones...

Along with the books emerged some photos from old days - i looked at the pictures and thought how pretty i looked in some (yes, i am immodest and delusional) - still fresh, yet to face the many demons slumbering inside me..And i remembered the places i have been to, the people in the photos - some lost, some still there in my life...Alas, people cannot be captured in your heart like memories...they drift away, they die, they desert you...you desert some...

And suddenly, i missed the places i never thought i would miss -like CA...i was always counting the days to go back when i was there but now that i know i will never go back again, i miss it...i miss the walk by the lagoon..i miss the Flea market, i miss the Dosa shop at Sunnyvale, i miss the kubide from Rose Market, the pork chops from that place whose name i don't remember....

Isn't life funny? You never treasure the moment till it slips away from you and become a memory....Why can i never learn to live ???

life is the same....

...in the new year. You begin to wonder why we even wish other new Year - how would changing the year from 2010 to 2011 make any difference to anyone? Would it mean less pain for those who suffer? No. Life will remain the same even if the calendar changes.

Met SM after god knows how many years - and that too for less than an hour. He was here just for a couple of days. With close friends, it does not matter whether you have not met for ages - you always feel like it was only yesterday that you parted.

And i gave away three bags of clothes to the maid. Some of them never worn even once. But kept some old ones for memories' sake - like the Lee tshirt he got for me when we started going around, the shirts i painted, his old t-shirt that i snitched from him, sweaters Ema knitted for me with leftover wool....

Still have not got around to dyeing my hair. Maybe i should just let the gray hair be - i would look more mature, eh?

Got a new bookcase so i can dump all my books there. Cannot remember the last time i bought a book. i am trying to finish reading the ones i bought earlier and neglected to read.

Winter is here - i must be growing old because i can feel the chill in my bones and i run around the house checking to see if any window is open. It must be worse in Imphal. Hell, i would refuse to budge from under the blanket if i was there and cosy up to the water bottle.

one last post

..just could not resist cribbing one last time before this year ends.

OK, so one more year gone..makes you wonder why anyone bothered to have this whole concept of year (i know, i know but please, please let me let off my steam at something)..And now, there will be fireworks and drinks and drunks all welcoming another year that will only bring misery to people like me who just cannot open their eyes to the good things in their life but will continue counting their woes.

i am working from home and getting paid in pounds - heck, i deserve at least something to smile about, not that getting paid for slogging your ass off is not something to smile about. Maybe it is since i do not slog my ass but still manage to get the work of two people done. Yes, i am so low that i am actually blowing my trumpet because there is nobody else to do it for me. i don't even know what i am writing.

For someone who used to fall asleep when her head hits the pillow, i find i am awake for what seems like ages before sleep claims me. Which is so fucking irritating. Yes, i am swearing. My mouth, my blog - i will sully them when i like. God, what is wrong with me? Anyways, i hate it when i find i am awake when i would rather be in dreamland because that is the only time when i can escape life's cruelty. Is life cruel or do i make it cruel? Oh shut up, not on the last day of the year. Stop being such a psuedo philosopher and just be the bitch you are. Yes, i am talking to myself. Please shoot me.

i realised that there is something therapeutic about scrubbing the toilet. Yes. And as i furiously scrubbed, i thought of how more meaningful my life would have been if i had become a municipal sweeper or a public toilet cleaner. i mean, i would have really done something that would have made a difference to lives - clean toilets and roads. Just imagine. i think i would have been happier doing something menial instead of being stuck with a label of software consultant or whatever crap designation they foist on you. i wish to God i had less brain and more patience.

i need to cut my hair again - he loves it long but i hate looking after long hair - just once in my life did i get it to grow shoulder length. Never after that. And i will dye my hair mahogany this time in the hope that i become a tree. What crap do i write???

And i went to the market wearing mismatched sandals - one pink and one purple. Not intentionally. No one seemed to have noticed. Maybe they were too caught up with my uncombed hair to gaze down. What next?

Actually, i am having withdrawal symptoms for not having had my dose of jalebis.Blame this year-end ranting on sugar deprivation.

To another day that will end up just like today.

looking back

Just a few more days and this year would be gone too...and i wonder how fast the days flew. And it has left me still the same - imperfect, impatient, unkind, bitchy...

Still have not found the answers to the questions that clutter my mind. And i have no hope of finding them - many some things are best not found (whatever that means).

Life saddens me...i drift away from all i love..slowly, sleathily...and the worse thing is i don't care...maybe that is my way of dealing with life - running away. Oh well, i have always been a coward.

i dream of being alone - all by myself. Maybe because i know every bond that ties would hurt when it breaks, which it will one day or the other. And i have failed to realise that is not the way to live life. Or maybe i realise it but i am too scared. Oh hell, why i am running around in circles chasing my tail at the end of the year???

A colleague wrote to say she hopes the new year will be kind to me. Can life ever be kind?? i wonder....And on that note, i bid this year goodbye. But not before saying that i am ungrateful for not counting the good things in my life and cribbing and crying about the bad things. There i go again.....