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i don’t want to love you
And yet, i cannot let go

This web we have spun
With threads of love and lust
Threatens to smother us

With love, we stepped into each other’s lives
With vows and promises never to be kept
As the mist lifts
And our sights clear
We face each other
With undisguised animosity
Trying to suppress the love that lies beneath

We wound with words
We wound with silence

We pretend to sleep
As we both toss and turn
In our own private hell

.....

This is the unfinished door to my bedroom in my flat, or as SC insists, my sister’s flat now that i don’t stay there anymore. This is the proof to what my sister assessment that i can never finish a job! Which is true. i get all enthusiastic about a project, will give it my all till i get bored. i had completed 4 door paintings and this was the last one i took up. Halfway through, i just lost the zeal. So now it stands as a living proof to the Jill-of-all-trades-mistress-of-none person that i am.

on wants/needs

Attended my first “Management Team” meeting yesterday. And realized how much more shit i have to deal with. Having to sit through 1 ½ hr long presentation, trying to make sense of it all – the business forecast, the ramp-up, the projects in pipeline. What did i get myself into? i am happier coding, (mis)guiding kids, playing the bully than listening to all theory-no practice preaching.

Which makes me think i am not ambitious at all. i am too laid back. Or maybe my priorities are different. If i ask myself what really i want in life, i know it is not climbing up the corporate ladder. i love my work but i am not too concerned about where i am in the pecking order. i guess i must be the only one in the whole company who has never asked for a salary raise or a promotion!

The big question – what do i want in life? i know for sure what i don’t want but i am finding it difficult to specify what i really want. i want to be happy – but happiness is such a tricky state of mind. i can be happy with just a book. Am i happy now? Yes. Will i be happy tomorrow? Depends. Materialistically speaking, if i ask myself what i want, i cannot think of anything. i cannot understand why i am so uninterested in clothes, jewellery or anything of that sort. i am no sanyasi - i just cannot understand this streak in me. i just am not interested.

But i want to travel and travel, i want to sky-dive again. i want to learn new recipes. i want to start making my candles again. i want to learn pottery and glass-painting. i want to learn kung-fu. And most of all, i want to sleep.

Of pampered love

Yahoo! He just called me up to say his father has got his US Visa approved. He went for the interview today. We have been coaching him the whole weekend. At first, he was over-confident that he would just go, present himself and they would happily hand over the Visa.

On my visits to the Consulate for stamping, i have witnessed parents being grilled. So we told him not to take it too lightly – we downloaded sample questions, took printout and made him read those. In the end, we managed to make him tense – to the extent that he even dreamed about the Visa interview!

i am so relieved now.

On a sillier note, he asked me to get up early today as they would leave around 8. Getting me to rise early is like asking a dog to fly – it is unnatural! In Imphal, people get up as early as 4 – OK, the sun rises earlier there but still, people are not sunflowers that they have to rise with the sun! His father gets up as early as 5 – which is like midnight for me. Because he is here, i wake up around 8 because i have to cook before going to office – when you actually think about it, i am sort of attaining the super-woman status - i cook, go to office, code, nag, bully and make sure the deliverables are delivered, go home and cook again! The day i get tired of it, i will complain. But till now, i am able to cope without feeling exerted.

God, how i digress. Anyway, i got sore with him because he said he would set the alarm for 6:50. i told him i would get up by 7:30 and get the breakfast ready and see them off by 8. He thought i was being uncaring and said i don’t have to get up and do anything. Bliss! I said fine and went off to sleep. He got up around 6:30 and i got up at 7:15 – prepared breakfast and they were done by 8. i had a good mind to pour the tea down his boxer! i think i am over-pampering him. The maximum of Indian men are pampered. And we women-folk are guilty of that. i do it out of love. Which is one of the stupidest excuses i have heard/made.

is that me?