Saturday, October 18, 2008
speak and be damned!
His father is visiting us. And i guess that is making my mother worry. Yesterday, she told me " Don't make faces when he says anything you don't like. Behave nicely, treat him well. Don't behave the way you do at home.". i was like " stop it, stop it. Why are you telling me all this? ". And she told me she knows me too well - that i would sulk if anyone said anything. Oh ema. i told her i will go and start throwing the pots and pans.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
My mother - well, pretty much everyone at home - treats me like someone with the emotional quotient of a 5 yr old. They say i am so immature - that i am still so much a child. Whenever i go home, i shout and scream and run around with my little cousins. which makes my parents go "when is she ever going to grow up?". The fact that i have not learned that speaking your mind is not the in thing makes them more worried. i keep asking them "why do i have to be nice to everyone? i will only be nice to people i like. The rest just don't exist as far as i am concerned". They tell me that is not done. But i am still alive, i still have friends left. So i must be doing just fine being what i am.
This has been an issue with everyone - my friends, my family. In college, my friends used to tell me that i should not make my feelings so apparent - this because i looked through anyone i didn't like. i didn't/don't feel the need to hide my feelings. If i don't like you, i am not going to pretend otherwise. They said it is not necesary for me to say everything i feel. but why not? What use is my feelings/emotions if i am not allowed to express them? i remember this episode in my college life. There was this senior who bossed over all the juniors. She specially made use of M - a dear friend. i, being i, always ignored her and had nothing to do with her. i think that got to her because everyone tried so much to please her and there i was - the chit of a girl who never acknowledged her existence. i hated the fact that she was so dominating esp. when it concerned my friend. The girls gave her a farewell party when she passed out and since she was M's roomie, i was invited by M. i went. All of a sudden, she asked me "Do you like me?". Without batting an eyelid i said "No, i don't". You would have thought i have called her a slut the way she reacted. She left the party saying she has been insulted! What?! My friends asked me "Why did you say that for?". i told them i only answered her question. They asked me to aplogise - i refused. i told them she should not have asked the question if she was not ready to face the answer. They somewhat pacified her and she returned to the party. She never said a thing to me and i didn't bother looking her way.
i was told i should have lied about my feelings, if only to spare her the hurt. But why? The fact that she didn't like me never bothered me so i could not understand why it would matter to her that i didn't like her.
There was this guy in my class who was popular with everyone - the teachers, the lab assistants, the students. But i never liked him because he was too much of the buttering-up type. One day he asked me the same dreaded question. You would have thought i would have learned something from the previous episode. But no, the same reply was meted out to him - No, i don't like you. The guy was distraugt. He told me "everyone likes me. Why don't you like me?" i told him Because i just don't like you".
Even today, if somebody i don't like ask me the same question, my answer would be the same.
Why is it considered wrong to speak out your feelings? i would rather have somebody tell me to my face that they don't like me instead of pretending otherwise. My feelings are important to me and i will be damned if i would smother them or lie about them just to please anyone.
Of course, i lie about other things. But i don't want to lie about my feelings.
Footnote:And ema would be pleased to know that i am not so immature. i do know when to speak or when to sulk to my best advantage. Hee hee.
Friday, October 17, 2008
kid-talk
One step up the corporate ladder. More power. More responsibility. And more shit to deal with.
i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end.
What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.
Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.
i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.
i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.
i was asked to have a tête-à-tête with the kids. And so i did. And i realized that i am so good at giving advices! Because i am not the one at the receiving end.
What i found re-assuring was that every single one of them said they have no issue; how good the work environment is and how helpful everyone is. One kid told me of how scared everyone is of me – because i can be really harsh sometimes. That had me in spilts. i told him i only bark but don't bite. But all of them said they don’t mind me giving them a piece of my mind sometimes. SM said the kids are buttering me up. Hell, i am no bread that they can butter – the only way to impress me is through their work. Which i made amply clear – that i don’t expect anything less than 100% from them and till i am satisfied with the quality of work, i am going to nag them.
Of course, i know i am unfair sometimes. Because i expect everyone to grasp everything at one-go. i hate repeating the same thing twice. This is something i need to change – i need to have more patience.
i hope i have been able to motivate the kids. i told them that anytime they have any issue, they can approach me, if they don’t like the way i deal with them, they can say that to my face.
i don’t know whether i like this role – i like the part of where i impart gyan and dole out advices. But i am not too sure i will like the part where i have to be politically correct and all that. i think i will stay my incorrect self and see the reactions.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
my man
His project is going live tomorrow. And my man has been slogging. And i have been trying hard to be an understanding partner – which is so difficult for someone with my nature. But i try. i do try. God, i do, i do…
i cook, watch TV, surf the whole world wide web, scrub the tiles (once in a blue moon), read a bit – all the while with an eye on the clock. It is not like i don’t like being alone. It is just that i want to be with him more. i sound so much like one of those weepy, shirttail-clutching helpless females who cannot breathe when her man is not around. But it is more fun watching TV with him rather than alone – i cannot crib to the wall or the table about the silly plots. It is more fun reading when he is around.
The post is not actually about me. It is about him – how sweet this guy can be at times that i cannot help but pull out some more love from my cache and shower it on him. And it makes me realize why i fell in love with him in the first place.
He came home late last night. After exhausting myself surfing and surfing - watching cooking videos, digging out interesting blogs, i curled up and went off to sleep. i woke up when he whispered my name. i am at my grouchiest when woken up from sleep. i grumbled and mumbled and growled and refused to get up. Any other nice girl would have thought “my man must be tired; i should lay the table, feed him and put him to sleep, maybe massage his aching body”. Not this bitch. i just kept sleeping – rather trying to sleep. He tried to wake me up gently, asking me whether he should lay the table. i just growled back in reply. And then he sang to me “ Ankhen teri…neendh se bhari” and i could not resist laughing. i love this man. i love him.
i cook, watch TV, surf the whole world wide web, scrub the tiles (once in a blue moon), read a bit – all the while with an eye on the clock. It is not like i don’t like being alone. It is just that i want to be with him more. i sound so much like one of those weepy, shirttail-clutching helpless females who cannot breathe when her man is not around. But it is more fun watching TV with him rather than alone – i cannot crib to the wall or the table about the silly plots. It is more fun reading when he is around.
The post is not actually about me. It is about him – how sweet this guy can be at times that i cannot help but pull out some more love from my cache and shower it on him. And it makes me realize why i fell in love with him in the first place.
He came home late last night. After exhausting myself surfing and surfing - watching cooking videos, digging out interesting blogs, i curled up and went off to sleep. i woke up when he whispered my name. i am at my grouchiest when woken up from sleep. i grumbled and mumbled and growled and refused to get up. Any other nice girl would have thought “my man must be tired; i should lay the table, feed him and put him to sleep, maybe massage his aching body”. Not this bitch. i just kept sleeping – rather trying to sleep. He tried to wake me up gently, asking me whether he should lay the table. i just growled back in reply. And then he sang to me “ Ankhen teri…neendh se bhari” and i could not resist laughing. i love this man. i love him.
Monday, October 13, 2008
another one of those posts
Another weekend gone. How many more do i have, i wonder? As i snuggled up to him yesterday evening, i suddenly felt sad thinking we would all die one day. i guess it was one of those moments when you feel so blessed that you are alive and with the one you love and any thought of the moment ending is unbearable.
i live as if i always have tomorrow to correct my mistakes, to shower my love on my loved ones. Don’t they say we should live as if today is our last day? i, somehow, am not able to feel that way. i feel like my life is forever. That tomorrow will always dawn for me.
Life begins to make more sense when you realize that there is no meaning to it. It just is. There is no heaven waiting for us. No hell to burn in. Heaven and hell – it is all here in this life. Whatever good i do, i do it because it makes me feel good. Not because i want to earn some brownie points. Whatever sins i commit, i do so without the fear that i would have hot rods stuck up in some unmentionable part of my anatomy after i die! i want to pay the price for my good and bad deeds here. In this lifetime.
When you really think about it, nothing matters. All the things that we worry about, the heartaches – nothing matters in the end. Maybe that is why i never care much about what other people say and do my own thing. And which is one thing about me that seems to irk everyone. That i care so less about their opinions. That i revel in doing just what i want – well, most of the time.
My thoughts are repetitive. i mean, you find the same strain in all the posts except those where i am documenting my love/fight-life; posting recipes or cribbing. But this is what i think about most of the time – when i sit there stone-faced in the bus or when i meditate in the loo – about life, what it is all about. Even when i know my thoughts don’t matter either. Life goes on – with or without my life-(un)changing thoughts.
i live as if i always have tomorrow to correct my mistakes, to shower my love on my loved ones. Don’t they say we should live as if today is our last day? i, somehow, am not able to feel that way. i feel like my life is forever. That tomorrow will always dawn for me.
Life begins to make more sense when you realize that there is no meaning to it. It just is. There is no heaven waiting for us. No hell to burn in. Heaven and hell – it is all here in this life. Whatever good i do, i do it because it makes me feel good. Not because i want to earn some brownie points. Whatever sins i commit, i do so without the fear that i would have hot rods stuck up in some unmentionable part of my anatomy after i die! i want to pay the price for my good and bad deeds here. In this lifetime.
When you really think about it, nothing matters. All the things that we worry about, the heartaches – nothing matters in the end. Maybe that is why i never care much about what other people say and do my own thing. And which is one thing about me that seems to irk everyone. That i care so less about their opinions. That i revel in doing just what i want – well, most of the time.
My thoughts are repetitive. i mean, you find the same strain in all the posts except those where i am documenting my love/fight-life; posting recipes or cribbing. But this is what i think about most of the time – when i sit there stone-faced in the bus or when i meditate in the loo – about life, what it is all about. Even when i know my thoughts don’t matter either. Life goes on – with or without my life-(un)changing thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
