i miss you the most when you are near me.

introspection

i am a spoilt brat. It is as simple as that. The realization is not new. And in some twisted way, this is the way i like myself. Maybe because i am aware that i cannot and do not want to change. But “cannot change” is not right – if you want, you can change yourself. But i guess, i am too much into myself to think of changing.

When i am hurt or angry, i am incapable of thinking beyond myself. Anger is an emotion that threatens to control me sometimes. From childhood, i have had this issue of not being able to handle things when i don’t get my way. This continues till now. When things don’t work out my way, i just lose it. The irony – i am all too aware of my warts but i seem content to let these warts get bigger and unmanageable. Till one day, i would be one big wart! Great! i am unfair to the people close to me – they are the ones who bear the brunt of my ill-natured outbursts.

i cool down quickly – but after the damage have been done. i mean, i would rant and rave. And then, i would realize that this is not the way to handle things – after the outburst. But words once spoken cannot be recalled like e-mails. Wounds cannot be wished away with a “sorry”. i always end up hurting the people i love the most. Because i am so spoilt. Patience – i should trade some of my gray cells for an ounce of patience.

If only i can think before i speak instead of speaking before i think. If only i was less in love with myself and not accept these warts. If only i was more human instead of being a bitch. If only my actions were reflections of my thoughts.

*&#^%$*#(

10:15- Dinner is ready. Have not switched off the lights yet or locked the grill. But i can feel the tendrils of displeasure swaying in my mind. i have always hated waiting - for anyone, esp. him. i wait, the tendrils threaten to turn into branches that will soon flower and fill my mind with the fragrance of anger - does anger have a scent? Like lust?

i have never been an understanding person ever. i want the world to revolve around me. For things to start and end with me. But maybe life is that way. i mean, when you really think about it, the most important person in your life is you yourself. Maybe behind everything we do, self interest lurks. But right now, all i want is for him to come home. i will sharpen my nails in the meantime and maul him. Too bad we don't have an axe. But there is the saw. If you see a female in the news 'morrow accused of killing her man, know it is me.

Deep breaths. Take deep breaths. Count upto 29. Or 69. OK, i will not molest him tonight. i am the mistress of my emotions. so, irritation, anger, all you negative emotions, i banish you to the dark corner. Stay there and rot.

i am hungry.

i am sleepy.

Maybe i should just go off to sleep. And hope to wake up with a clean mind. Or maybe i should wait and get the dirty task done. i hope they will let me read books in jail. i hope they will let me blog too.

Or maybe i should just surprise him by jumping into his arms and raining kisses on him. Or maybe i could do a Sharan Stone, lure him into bed and seduce him, and when he least expect it--- oh, boy. i am turning criminal.

Intihaan ho gayi
Intezaar ki
Aayi nah koi khabar meri yaar ki
Bas humme yeh yakeen
Bewafaa ho nahin
Phir waza kya huwi
Intezaar ki...

----

passport and other worries

i have talked to a Passport agent today and he told me it would take 5 days to get the passport renewed through tatkal. And, i would have to fork out 7K for that! But - who said it was going to be easy - i would have to get a verification certificate as i don't have a Voter Id card (yes, you read that right! i am not entitled to cast my ballot!) or a ration card. This verification certificate has to be obtained from some high ranking officials specified in Annexure F! Hell! i have half a mind not to renew the passport.

SM and i bitched about the way they are trying to make me stay back here. i mean, the project. i am so flattered and all that they think my absence would make things tough. But, i cannot put my plans on hold just because of that. OK, i have a soft spot for the project. But, i am not going to be "guilt-ed" into staying back.

He has a delivery scheduled for this month end, he has been coming home late. When you consider the fact that we are in the same industry, you would think i would be understanding. But it gets my goat when he comes late. i have tried to curb my displeasure - i mean, who the hell would want to come back after a hard day at work to unwelcoming arms? So i read books - and gaze at the clock and resist the desire to call him up and nag him. And i read some more. And resist looking at the clock. And i read some more and i turn off the lights just to make him think i have not come back home! And for good measure, i lock the grill making it appear as if no-one is home. And when he finally comes home, i pretend not to hear the bell. i am such a bitch! You would wonder why this guy loves me.

OK, as a week-ending resolve, i will try not to lose it tonight - the temper, i mean. i will prepare something nice for dinner and wait up for him. i will not turn off the lights or lock the grill. i shall open the door and welcome him home. If only my actions reflected my thoughts! If only..

We would go hunting for a suitable bath-tub this weekend. Plus i need to buy shoes and a belt (my waist being the size it is now, my pants threaten to slither off. The last time i owned a belt was in the last century. You can imagine how fashion-conscious i am!!) plus some more books. Coming to books, i seem to be back in the groove. i can read them till the last page. So my side of the bed is not strewn with half-read books now. Just the one i am reading right now. Hail the god of books!

i have been trying to get my mother to get a domestic help. Back home, it is tough to find help given that everyone does their own chores. She has been giving me excuses after excuses - why hire someone when there is so little work around - and all that. i finally gave her an ultimatum - find a help or else i will call up and nag you every single day of the year. My mother does not seem to like the idea of me calling up everyday so finally i heard the happy news that someone has been found who meets her "requirements". Thank god for small mercies. She is not getting any younger and i hate the thought of Ema and Baba on their own, doing all the chores. They would not come over here - the weather is too hot; it is suffocating staying in a flat...i have to beg, nag, threaten to disown them before they agree to come over for a few weeks. Parents are such kids.

dhut teri ki--

Choices. Life is all about choices. Our choices make us the person we are. It is hard trying to make this decision – of staying back or going away. It is tough. Or is it?

We – after a long time, i am able to merge me and him into the word “we” – are confused with the choices we have. We both know it would do us (and our bank balances) good to relocate to US for some years. Choices = confusion. And my project does not want to let me go because offshore delivery will suffer. Oh hell, it is no fun being indispensable!

And, horror of horrors, it completely slipped my mind that my passport is going to expire next month! And i was going to go get my Visa stamped with the almost expired passport! Hell, i must be growing old. My neurons are not what they used to be before.

God, how i wish i could buy a lottery ticket and strike the jackpot. i will retire – and spend the rest of my life having a torrid affair with books. And make candles, open a restaurant, travel from one end to another end of the planet, buy a lorry and run over people...

At work, i have been biting heads off as if i have been without food for days. Not fair to them. Which i am aware of – thank you. But sometimes, they make silly mistakes and i don’t happen to be the type who is going to smile and forgive. I am beginning to behave like an ogress. Where is my Shrek???

Is the moon waxing or waning? My mother is right – i am MAD!