monday thoughts

The weekend was good. Went shopping with my sister and, as usual, we ended up with a trolley full of things! Then went to Bachou’s place and stayed for dinner.
Had Emaibem’s haath ka khana which is something i always look forward to. She told me i was looking so thin – she even told me to take vitamins. My silly sister went “Oh, she is a size zero now” –hate Kareena for making this size so talked about. Which made me wonder whether i should really start worrying. All my dresses which fitted me to a T are now turning baggy. i am eating like before – i never think about calories when i gorge. So i cannot figure out where all the “maangso” (flesh) is going. If Ema sees me now, she is going to go ballistic.

Sunday was spent cleaning up the place. i cooked ilish maach after such a long time. It made me remember SM who used to cook ilish for me every chance he got because he knows i am so in love with this fish. He knows how fussy i am about food and whenever i am onsite, he takes it upon himself to make sure i eat properly. Even now, when he calls up he keeps telling me “Meye, bhalo kore khabi’ (Girl, eat well). i am really lucky to have friends like him.

SC and i have given our names for the Quiz event to be held this Friday in the office. We are two conceited creatures and i told him, we might as well participate and get our egos deflated if we lose or grow more conceited if we win! Hah!

maudlin thoughts

i turned down SC’s offer of joining his team. It has partly to do with me not wanting to move out of my comfort zone and partly because i am so uncertain about the future and i don’t want him to be in a soup if i have to change the direction of my life tomorrow.

i think it is about time (more like past the time) for me and him to have a talk about what we want in life. If we find that we no longer share the same dreams, then it is time for us to untie the bonds, to uproot the love. And move on. There is much more to life than trying to get a relationship back on track.

i know how much easier for me it would to be to just hang on and go on with life. But i want more – i want to live. i want to see my dreams come true. i don’t want to live other people’s dreams but my own.

And i am so tired of my whining. i am so tired of knowing what i want and not trying to get it even when i know it is a touch away. i am so tired about thinking everyday i need a change and then going back to the same routine. What stops me from doing what i want – i do not lack money, or opportunities. Sometimes, i am tired of myself. For being this dinosaur waiting to be wiped out. ummm.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
--Anon

ek packet umeed (one packet of hope)

Watched this serial “Ek packet umeed” on NDTV and i actually liked it. My sister told me it was good and i decided to check it out. It is a respite from the really inane serials that i find myself watching these days – like the weepy Vidya/Divya, Kasturi and all those perpetually-soaked-in-tears females. Though i don’t know much about the storyline, it seems about a group of women in a shelter and their stories. Yesterday’s episode was about a woman being mistreated for dowry and how she gets rescued. This is one serial to watch out for. No rhona-dhona, no showing the characters in different shades hundred times.

i started this book titled “The last Kashmir Rose” – a whodunit story set in colonial India. This is one of the dozen books that SM sent for me – he bought them at 25 cents a book from the library. He knows i adore blood and gore story – me being inclined towards murder and all that. i only hope i can see it to the end. i could only complete some twenty pages yesterday night before i found the book reading me rather than me reading the book! i swear i am so low on energy these days.

At work, i am back to my “mentoring” the kids – which translates into me nagging them, demaning re-work till i am satisfied . SM says the quality of delivery from offshore suffers when i am not around – which is flattering. i always knew i was indispensable!!!

random thoughts

For my birthday, my sister got me Jhumpa’s latest book (Unaccustomed Earth). i have read a few pages and i quite like it. These days, the books seem to pile up. i sample one, read some 100 pages then start another one. i think i am like in the middle of some 10 books. Maybe it shows my fickleness.

i got myself a book – gee, i don’t even remember the name. Or the guy who wrote it. i am losing it. i am so losing it.

Work is boring me. i need a change, lord. Maybe a gender change! My mother always used to tell me she was glad i was not a boy. Because she said she was so sure i would have done something horrible like taking to drugs, running away from home. i am happy being a girl – though sometimes i wish i had the freedom to do anything i want – like walk alone on a deserted road at night or hike alone without the fear of anyone molesting me.

My machine is being upgraded so i need to transfer all my data – some 10GB! P-da was amazed to know i have hoarded so much of data.

SM gave me the BBC’s Planet Earth Complete Series. i have not watched it yet but i think it would be really wonderful.

He gave me an orange-colored suit – if he has his way, he would clothe me in orange lingerie, paint my nails orange and make me wear orange shoes!! i don’t know how we ever thought that we would make a compatible pair – the only thing we have in common is that we have nothing in common!!

i like Rakhi Sawant. She is so loud and so irrelevant that it is a joy to watch her! You get so tired of watching people who are so prim and propah all the time.

Have managed to come back with my sins intact! Took the early morning flight yesterday - had to wake up at 4:30. My throat feels like i have straw stuck in it and i have a stomach that seems to be not responding well to my return back to non-veg diet!

i feel like a ragged doll - maybe i am getting too old for travel. The trip was quite an experience. And all the darshan of the thousand gods and goddesses have not shaken my faith - i still remain a non-believer.

If i find the enthu, i will blog about the trip in detail.

Right now, all i want to do is wallow in a pond of sin, smoke grass and sin some more.

Now that everything is over, i need to get my life back on track. S has scheduled a meeting to try to win me over to his team - it feels good to be wanted so! i now have to decide whether i want to stay put here or grow wings and fly. i am so tired of the emotional roller-coaster i am in. i deserve so much more. And it hurts to see myself hesitating to take the final step. i thought i was stronger than this. But i am so scared of what this might do to my parents. It is at times like this that i wish i was just alone, with no soul to call my own. i am tired of getting hurt trying to stop my loved ones from getting hurt. i am selfish. i only wish i was more selfish.

My birthday came and went. And left me one year nearer to the end. What a depressing way to look at birthdays.