taxing time

It is the time of the year when i am forced to reflect on my investments – or lack of it. Today was the last day of submitting the tax rebate declaration. As always, i waited for the final day to submit the declaration. With the home loan, i don’t really have to worry about whether i have completed my quota of investments to get the maximum rebate.

The other day someone from one of the banks where i have invested some years back (and had totally forgotten about!) contacted me and asked me to switch plans as my investment was not making that much profit. Anyway, i let him convince me to switch plans –and i am supposedly going to get well provided for when i retire, that is, if my life does not get extinguished before that (extinguished? It makes me sound like an inferno or something!!). The guy kept harping on why i should think of investing now to keep up my existing life style even when i retire or maybe get axed. If i really think about it, i am a low maintenance creature. i have very few needs – give me my books and i am happy enough. i eat like a sparrow, don’t care too much about clothes and accessories – so there is not much scope of spending money on myself. i have this indifferent attitude towards money – i hardly keep track of how I spend it, how/where i invest it. Ema keeps telling me i don’t respect money because i get too much. Is that true? i know the power of money and all that, i know that money is the one issue that couples fight about the most. It has never struck me to hoard my money – i love using it to give my loved ones the things they desire. i would rather see my money being used than it sitting in the bank. My parents and everyone else complain that i am too lavish when it comes to gifts – like S says, i buy things for everyone else except myself which makes him think i am some sort of a goddess – the truth is there are very few material things in this world that can excite my senses apart from books.

Talking of books, S is going to send some books for me through the other S who must be boarding his flight as i type this. S would be joining office on Monday – it has been a month of peace in the office without him as i don’t have anyone to fight with and bitch and trade gossips.

Did make the deadline at work. However, the code needs polishing. Still have about a month to do all the re-work i want when it is in QA’s queue.

..if only we talked...

"barriers break when people talk." So very true. For a change, i decided to stop being my bitchy self and open up to him like before. And what a change it has brought about in him. And us. It is like we both were waiting for the ice to thaw between us. Silence is like the winter cold - it freezes the relationship. Even love needs the warmth of a touch, a word to thrive.

It is his parents' anniversary today. So we went shopping for a present for them. We took the chance to sneak off for a quiet lunch together. Love is rearing its head again in my life. Wonder how long this peace will last. Wonder how long it will be before another tiff. Wonder whether i will still stay put the next time we have a fight. Why this cynicism?

Love. i swore i was over this. But this heart, this stupid heart of mine says - just one more try, just one more night in his arms.

--it is the rain

It rained yesterday night – it is still raining. And i felt/feel happy just to hear the sound of rain drops. A breath of fresh, crisp air. i love getting wet in the rain – i love that feeling of just letting go, of sheer abandonment, of lifting my face to the sky and feeling the drops on my face.

Basketball in the rain – a memory tucked away in some corner, rekindled every time it rains. i still remember that feeling of being alive, of the joy of just being there to enjoy life, the lightning lighting up the court as we played, the thunders applauding us. If i close my eyes, i can still feel the smiles on our faces, our laughter mingled with the rain. Dripping wet, we splashed around the court, living in the moment. We were such fools to think the rain would last all our life. It stopped - the game ended.

When it rains, i dream of home – the sound of furious rain drops pounding the roofs. When it rains, a smile sprouts on my face. It spreads to my tired soul – and i can almost feel the rain inside me.

Today, as i type this, i want to know – what is life all about? Is this pain i go through worth it? Is there a price for every tear i shed, every smile that escapes from the gloom inside? i am happy and yet, i am sad. i am sad because i know life can be so beautiful, because i am so aware of fact that life is not forever. And yet, here i am – bound by the choices i made, with my wings cut.

What does it take to sever ties? i am scared i would bleed to death. What does it take to make peace with the choices you have made? What does it take to live? What does it take to die?

My sanity bleeds – when it stops, would i be drained of all these thoughts?

..fly away

e mere dil kahi aur chal
gham ki duniya se dil bhar gaya
dhoon le aab koyi ghar naaya

chal jaha gham ke maare nah ho
jhooti asha ke taare nah ho
in baharoon se kya faida
jisme dil ki kali jal gayi
zakhm phir se haara ho gaya

char ansoo koyi ro diya
pher ke mooh koyi chal diya

loot raha tha kisika jaha
dekhti rahe gayi yeh zameen
chup raha berahaam aasman

bent--again

This is what is playing on my iPod right now as i desperately try to meet the deadline - my code refuses to compile - what fun! Still i sing along, oblivious to the dark waters lapping at my toes. Just a matter of days before i drown -- and this song would be on my cold blue lips:

If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love
Give me more than I can stand
And when my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I'll smile again

Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

Start bending me
It's never enough
I feel all your pieces

Start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in

Shouldn't be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Just touch me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

----matchbox 20 's bent

i love this song - everytime i hear it, i have to sing along. And play it over and over and over again....till my senses get saturated...