petty gypsy -- not a typo - petty and not pretty

Right now, i am supposed to be coding. But my mind keeps slipping away to places i would rather not visit. i don’t know why but i am morose. i left the house in a huff today (slammed the door as hard as my tiny hands could - hope the hinges have fallen off).

He says he cannot read my mind and i should speak out and get things off my chest instead of smoldering inside! i am not the kind to keep things inside – in fact i am the type who cannot keep anything inside. But i have been noticing this change inside me – i am withdrawing into a shell when it comes to him. As much i think I love him (see, even the choice of words – “i think”!), i find myself turning into a “silent brooding” bitch. Why, i don’t want to fathom. i guess i am so tired of our fights. Even though we inevitably make up, fights do take a toll on relationships - don’t they? How do we transform into such ugly creatures when we fight – shouting at each other, refusing to see the other side of the picture? We should be shot for trying to destroy such a beautiful relationship. Maybe they knew what they were saying when they said too much of love is not good –

bahut zyada pyaar bhi
accha nahin hota
kabhi damaan chudana
ho toh muskil hota he

We fight. i sulk. He lights up cigarette after cigarette (just to bug me, i suppose, as i cannot stand smoking – how idiotic of him to cut his nose to spite his face). Then one of us will make a move, ask something inane like ‘are we even going to eat tonight?” – the other has been waiting all the while for the ice to melt. The tone would be cold – as if it would not matter even if we starved to death. That would be enough to start the thaw – well, not all the times. Sometimes, it takes more than that.

i am going to sneak off after office and buy something nice for him. i should not have lost my temper in the morning - i hope the door is still standing. i was mean to him. OK, i will cook something nice for him and wait for him to come home – if he says anything mean to me, then i shall pour the whole dish over his head (I would have to stand on a chair for that).


Why am i making this blog like a fight-diary??? But then, hell, this is my blog and i shall write what i choose to.

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He called me up 5 minutes back – said he would try to come out early and we could go buy the microwave we didn’t buy yesterday (because his highness’s mood got spoiled because a certain someone stayed silent and sulked when she learned that the plan to go to Imphal might not materialize because of his project delivery schedule! I am not good at handling disappointments). Anyway, slammed door forgotten, we would be leaving to go get the microwave – at last. At least, i can use it to roast his clothes next time instead of slamming the door. My, my – such petty nature. So what?

rekindled fire.....

Back after what seems a lifetime. The last post saw me half out of love and this one finds me, well, in love again! i guess we are turning into a can’t- live-with-can’t-live-without kind of couple. As boring as it sounds, we patched up - yet again. And the sky has been clear since then – i guess we both are trying hard not to step on each other’s toes.

So we are slowly heading back towards normalcy – watching scary movies and stupid serials together, eating from the same plate (which is something i find endearing – i don’t remember when and why we started this but we always eat from the same plate.), laughing at each other’s silly jokes.

My problem is that i expect people to know what i want without me taking the trouble of telling them – stupid when i know people cannot read minds. i am like a petulant child most of the times – and to his credit this guy has put up with me for years. i guess I should grow up and start behaving like the adult i profess to be – tough.

We would be going to Imphal for a week. i think it would make sense for us to enroll in a frequent flier program or something. It is going to be cold as hell – my body is low on heat; i faced the winters when i was a kid armed with hot water bags and smothered by wollens.

My parents, sisters, my adorable niece and my precocious cousin are going over next week. It is a task trying to get my family to come visit us here. They keep dilly dallying- it is one excuse or the other. It takes me nearly 6 months of nagging phone calls – have you got your tickets?? – to get them to come over. i can understand they feel cooped up inside an apartment. But still….

Today is a very special day for us. So we are planning to order out for some special food and dine watching our favorite weepy soaps! Plus go shopping for a microwave. It is going to be fun.

love sucks...

If only life was easy as baking a ready-to-bake cake! The hardest thing in life is letting go. Specially, when you have invested so much of yourself in it. When we weave dreams, little do we know how much it would hurt if the dreams were to be torn apart.

i am not bitter with life. In fact, i still find myself smiling, cracking inane jokes. It is when i lay down to sleep that i visit the place inside where confusion reigns. i am so undecided about what i want – stay or move on. Either way, i will lose a part of my life. i had made a choice a year back and i feel i should stick to it come what may. But a part of me tells me it is not worth it while another part feels i would be letting down so many people. Selfish as i am, my steps falter as i plan to open a new door to another life. The choice is mine to make and i am numb. This i know for sure - i will survive, with or without love. And i know i will learn to trust again. If only i can take the first step…..

But still, this heart that has loved skips a beat when the one it has loved reaches out to touch it. Love is a cruel thing. Our lives are too entangled to disengage ourselves without bleeding. i have packed my emotional baggage (so heavy i can hardly shoulder it!) but every time i turn to go, something makes me stop. i have yet to extricate my heart from love’s clutches. What is it about love that you keep hoping everything will work out? What foolish world does love inhabit that it turns a blind eye to everything? Why do the heart insists of finding an excuse for love’s every fault?

i am actually getting bored of these heartaches. i am so saturated.

happiness is a choice...

At another crossroads. Confused? Yes, i am. We are the choices we make in life. And as difficult as it is, i think it is time i faced some bitter truths. Of course, i am the kind that loves running away – given half a chance, i would love to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend that all is well in paradise.

i think it is time i decided what i really want from life – whether i want to be a free soul or be tied down by love – well, all is not well if i start thinking i am being tied down by love! The choice is mine and hell, i wish i could have my cake and eat it too. Umm, you cannot have everything your way, honey. So wake up and smell the fumes.

Matters of the heart apart, life is dragging on. On the work front, i need to gear up – have something big to deliver by end of January and i still have not touched it! Giving the kids a hard time – talk about taking out your frustrations on others!! i have a training to impart next week. It is an external training and god knows how many people are going to be there to listen to my blah- blah. i thought it was a good thing to have my plate full just to distract my mind.

Have been singing melancholic songs to myself all through the weekend – Don’t Cry, Woh mere needh mera chain mujhe lauta do, chupke chupke….It is fun trying to depress an already depressed mind – sadistic indeed. But when i am at it, i might as well let my mind drown before it realizes that it is no fun wallowing in pain and that there are other better things in life.

i could be bitter, i could slash my wrist (ugh, i would faint when i see the first drop of blood!), i could cry till my eyes swell up like raisins soaked in water (eh??) – but i choose to be happy in spite of everything. Because i deserve it. Yes, i deserve to be happy. Period.

One step at a time.....

Let me take my time,
To wipe these tears.
Let me savour this pain,
Of having loved and lost.
Let me mend these wounds,
One stitch at a time.
Let me untie these bonds,
One thread at a time.
Let me erase your love,
One memory at a time.
Let me –
Just let me be alone.