And off you go…

 Bidding farewell to a year filled with heartbreak, a year that saw me on my knees, bent and broken - but also a year that saw me at my strongest as I learn to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and try to make the best out of this life I have been given, a year that made me realise I can behave with dignity in the face of my worst nightmare. To a stronger and kinder me….

The end…

 On a winter afternoon, after more than two decades, our story ended with two signatures. I did not shed a tear but did I detect a tremble in my fingers as I signed the document that would seal our fates? It felt surreal…

Afterwards, we went for a cup of tea and a plate of pakora thongba and we sat and talked about this and that and spent maybe the last half an hour of our lives that we will ever spend together.

As I looked at him, I realised I do not hold any grudge - I just want him to be happy. I guess that is what they call love. Memories are all I will have of him. 

As I rode away in an auto (I don’t know why I love this mode of transport), with the winter breeze blowing my straw like hair (I have no idea what I am writing), I sighed and swallowed a tear…

ckyn…..

Off with her hair

 And to commemorate one month of my world turning upside down, i went and got my hair chopped off yesterday. Not as short as i wanted as the stylist said it would look not good - and i decided to listen to someone who knows his trade, for once in my life. It did turn out good, better than i had expected. Since there is no one else there to admire it, i might as well admire it! For the longest time ever, he used to cut my hair for me…and colour it..i was thinking how does a relationship go from eating together from the same plate to this…stop it already..there is no point beating myself up over things i cannot change..so…

Planning a short break during the long weekend. So much hassle what with the covid test and travel insurance and app to download, but i think i just want a day without worrying what i need to cook for dinner or cleaning up. i just need to curl up somewhere with a book and generally laze around like a fat hog.

Of dreams and pain

 The waking hours are much better. But, in the middle of the night, when i suddenly wake up from a dream when we were together and the knowledge that we are not together anymore hits me again, it is like going through it all over again because i am not fully awake to have the armor of logic to protect me…am i even making sense?

I finally got the appointment to chop off my hair. One less thing to weigh me down - i have enough baggage i carry around as it is…

I told my colleague/friend who insisted on talking to me -in spite of me screaming bloody no - what a persistent haramzada he was. I guess they are worried about me - and i know they are doing it because they care but i just don’t want to interact with anyone. i know i should call myself lucky that the few people i call friends will have my back…

How long does one give oneself the luxury to grieve? How long does it take for the pain to fade? How long will it take for the scabs to form on these wounds? 

..

 It seems to be a case of one step upwards and two downwards sometimes. It seems all sunny one moment and the next i feel like i have stepped into a cave of misery. I guess this is expected - i would have to be exceptionally resilient if i came out of this without some scars to show…

Went to the library - lugged home many books. Sometimes, all you need is the written words to lure you away from the darkness, if only for a while. 

i will go get my hair lopped off the coming week- want it extra short just for the heck of it…

By a stroke of luck, the elf’s weekend extra-curricular activities lined up perfectly with the kick boxing class i have been eyeing for years now. So hopefully, i can start kicking some asses..

I desperately want to travel- just want to go to some far flung place, lie with the sun on my back and just read and doze off…

I continue to refuse to talk to people at work - K wanted to know if it was my ‘mon’ or my ‘shorir’ that was off and i told him both. i am on my way to becoming the most anti-social creature this side of the planet, if i am not there already…

And i had almost forgotten how much i enjoy writing- just gathering all my irrelevant/irreverent thoughts, thoughts that make no sense sometimes, even to myself…

And i was thinking that after a long, long time, i feel free, not answerable to anyone/anything…not having to justify my actions/words to anyone except myself…and how togetherness is over-rated..and what i am saying smacks of sour grapes…